


Anywhere But Here

by dontlietomehoney



Category: Jatt - Fandom, Marianas Trench
Genre: Alternate Universe, Josh hooks to pay bills, M/M, Matt musician, Prostitute Josh, Rape/Non-con Elements, the Johns get rough sometimes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-29
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-01-26 23:41:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1706840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontlietomehoney/pseuds/dontlietomehoney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh is just trying to make ends meet, and if that means selling his body for money, that's just what he has to do. Even if it makes him hate himself for doing it. Matt is an up and coming musician with a bit of a hidden past but a bright smile.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Josh sighed as he shut the door behind him and locked the deadbolt. He was exhausted and his ass was sore. Moving slowly through the shitty apartment, he kicked his shoes off and started shedding his layers. His jacket came off first, and Josh at least took the time to fold it neatly and set it on the little make shift coffee table in front of his ratty couch. Josh loved that couch though, the worn seats always sucking him in like they didn’t want to let him go. That couch was a people eating black hole, but it was better than nothing, and he kind of liked the fraying edges. It gave the sofa a bit of character.

His fingers went to work on his button down shirt next, thumbing tiredly at each of the little plastic fasteners to reveal the pale chest underneath. By the time the material was fluttering down his shoulders, Josh was ready to just call it quits and just pass out on his lumpy but well slept in mattress. But he wanted to shower so badly. Wanted to clean away the night he just had.

Shuffling into the bedroom, Josh threw the shirt into the laundry basket that was already half full, and sighed again. He would have to do that laundry soon, clean the shirts he knew would just get dirty again. Filthy.

_“Filthy whore,” the man grunted. His fist tightened in Josh’s hair and held him down. “Fucking filthy slut. You love my cock don’t you?”_

Josh wasn’t going to think about that. Not right now. Right now he was going to peel off the shiny leather pants that covered his long legs. The bright blue material matched Josh’s hair perfectly. And for some reason the blond and blue locks always seemed to draw in more customers. He shouldered the door of his bathroom open as he undid the snap and zip, and turned on the dim bulb that was set right over the mirror. Josh worked the pants down his hips, wiggling out of the skintight material until it pooled around his ankles and he was able to step out of it completely, toeing off his socks in the process as well.

He was completely bare then, never bothering with boxers or briefs when he went out at night, and he shivered a bit in his tiny cubicle of a bathroom. It was winter in Vancouver, snowy and ice cold, and Josh never turned the heat on higher than sixteen degrees Celsius. It was even more frigid outside but Josh still went out every night. He had to if he wanted to make ends meet.

Pulling the shower curtain back, Josh twisted the tap and waited a moment for the gurgling sound of the pipes to fill the bathroom before water came trickling out of the spout. Turning the tap fully then, the shower head gave off a weak spray and the blond stepped over the lip of the basin and pulled the curtain closed behind him. The water that hit his shoulders was cold, but he didn’t mind. Didn’t care really. He just wanted to scrub it all away.

_Josh forced a fake moan from his lips as the man shoved him down harder on the bed. The sheets were stiff against his bare chest, and Josh winced when his face was pushed down against them too, a rough hand on the back of his head._

_“Got a tight little ass,” the man growled as he lined up. “Bet you just love it you little slut. Gonna fuck you till you scream.”_

Josh tried to shake it off, but the scenes just kept playing through his mind. As he scrubbed at his skin, trying to wipe away the sweat and feel of the other man from his body, he finally gave in. He let out a defeated groan and slumped against the shower wall, just letting the cold water and memories wash over him.

_The man’s fingers tightened on Josh’s hip, bruising the skin, and kept him still._

_“Yeah, make me scream daddy, fuck me so good,” Josh panted as he gripped the sheets so hard his knuckles popped._

_He hated it, hated every single word that escaped his lips.  But that’s what the client wanted. It’s what they all wanted. To wreck him, make him feel like the dirty piece of shit that he was. And they wanted him to like it. Expected him to get off on their insults and bruising touches. And so Josh gave it to them._

_And he did scream, the man thrusting into him in one hard, quick movement. No prep, no lube other than the little bit from the condom Josh had forced the man to wear. It fucking hurt, but Josh let him in, tried to spread his knees on the mattress as the man pulled back and fucked in again. It was almost too much, too damn painful, but Josh bit down hard on his lip and squeezed his eyes shut. The man was letting out disgusting grunts, his sweaty skin slapping against Josh’s thighs, and he was yanking hard on the blond hair between his fingers._

_“Fucking take it,” the man growled. “Fucking take my cock. Know you want it.”_

_Josh sucked in little gasps, trying to focus only on that instead of the feeling of being split in half. The feeling of being ripped open. “L-love your cock daddy. Love it so much.”_

_“Yeah you do. Just gagging for a taste aren’t you?”_

_The blond did actually feel like he might be gagging, but never for this bastards cock. His neck was craning too far, stretching painfully and sending electric jolts down Josh’s spine. The man yanked even harder though, lifting Josh’s head off the mattress to snarl into his ear._

_“Aren’t you, little slut?!”_

_“Y-yes!” Josh whined. “Want to taste you daddy. Want you to fuck my mouth.”_

_The man shoved Josh back down and continued to pound into him. “Too fucking bad. Whores don’t get to taste. My spunk’s too good for your filthy tongue.”_

_Josh nearly cried out in relief that he wouldn’t have to have a cock shoved down his throat tonight. He knew if the fucker wanted it though, Josh would have done it. He’d have gotten on his knees and let the asshole put his cock between his lips. He had to if he wanted to get paid. And fuck, didn’t that make him feel even smaller than the man currently pumping come into the tip of the condom buried in Josh’s ass?_

_At least it was done quick. Fucker didn’t even last ten minutes._

_He pulled out roughly and threw the blond away from him as if Josh was the one that had just bought a whore to fuck for the night. But then again, which is really the lesser evil? Being the prostitute or buying one?_

_Josh lay slumped on his stomach, his body aching, and looked up at the man through his blue bangs. Watched the bastard shuck the condom off and throw it sloppily on the carpet. The man pulled on his underwear, fucking tighty-whiteys, and his pants up with them._

_“You weren’t half bad,” he smirked. “Worth at least half of what I owe you.”_

_“It’s two hundred,” Josh said firmly. “No less.”_

_The man scowled, digging around in his pocket for his wallet before counting out the cash and throwing it at Josh’s face. The blond flinched, but gathered the money carefully as he pushed up to slide off the bed. His legs felt shaky, the pain making him almost feel numb. And that couldn’t be good. The man threw on the rest of his clothes and stormed out of the motel room with a final call of ‘whore’ spat over his shoulder._

_Josh waited until the door was fully closed before moving. He limped around the room, slowly adjusting to the way his body had been used, and picked up his own clothes to dress. Carefully folding the bills, the blond slid the money into a hidden inside pocket in his jacket and pushed his arms through the sleeves. It was time to go._

“Fuck,” Josh panted as he came back into himself. He was shaking.

He hated when he wasn’t able to push the thoughts away, but couldn’t help but feel like he deserved it. He had been doing this for so long. Or, at least, it felt that way. His body was certainly beginning to wear down with all the rough handling it had been dealt. Josh could see it when he finally stepped out of the cold shower and looked in the mirror over the sink. He was almost too thin, his ribs and hips showing through his pale skin. And he could feel it too, the bruises forming where the man had held him down, and his ass aching with how mistreated it had been.

Josh toweled off slowly, feeling more and more tired, and went about brushing his teeth and washing his face. When he was done with that he opened the medicine cabinet to grab the salve he always kept stocked up on. He didn’t really care how embarrassing it was to buy it at the local grocery store; he just cared about the way it would take away the sting after a particularly rough customer.

When he had finished with that as well, he shuffled back into his bedroom in search of sweat pants and a t-shirt. He always liked wearing bigger clothes when he was home. He knew it was stupid, but it always made him feel a little better, a little less like a whore. And they were just so much more comfortable than the leather pants he squeezed into before going out every night. So much easier to curl up in and just forget about everything else. Josh turned off the light and crawled under his favorite old blanket, settling down on his familiar mattress, and sighing with relief.

He could finally let himself unwind. Let his aches and pains fade away and his mind go blank. Sleep had always been his best escape, even when it was hardly consistent for him. But after a night like this, he knew he would sleep deeper than he usually might. And he didn’t want to admit it, but he would be okay if he never woke up again.

In fact, as he started drifting off, he found himself wanting just that. To finally escape the living nightmare that was his life. To waste away in the simple comfort of his shitty apartment. Just sink into the mattress and never wake up again.

The blond hummed at the thought, falling a bit more into the darkness of sleep. Yeah, he would be okay with that.

*          *          *

“C’mon Webb! This is the last chance we have to celebrate with you!” Mike was practically vibrating with energy

Matt snorted though, throwing his friend a look of irritation despite his smile. “I’m not leaving for another six months, _Ayley_ , there’s plenty of time to celebrate.”

A hand suddenly clamped down on Matt’s shoulder and spun him around. He came face to face with yet another familiar friend. Ian grinned at him.

“What we are trying to say is this is our last chance to start a six month long celebration. Seriously man, you just got signed for a record! Your EP was a hit and they want you to fly out of country to start recording! This is huge Matt.”

“Yeah, and the trip will only be two months,” Matt playfully shoved at the curly haired man who was still smiling at him. “I’m not leaving Vancouver permanently.”

Mike moved to Ian’s side and the two of them stuck out their bottom lips, their eyes widening in a desperate attempt at puppy dog eyes. Well, Mike was doing pretty well, but Ian just looked ridiculous. Matt covered his eyes with one hand, waving the other around in front of him.

“Nope! Not gonna happen. You are _not_ giving me those eyes right now,” Matt tried. He could feel himself giving in though.

He peeked through his fingers and the two older men had inched closer, now holding onto each other as if they might suddenly burst into tears and need to comfort one another. Matt laughed, dropping his hands and shaking his head at how stupid his two best friends were. Ian broke too, pulling away from Mike to wrap his arms around Matt’s middle and lift him off his feet.

“I knew you’d come around man!” He whooped as he spun a shrieking Matt in a circle.

Mike was bouncing on his feet again. “And we’ve already got a plan for tonight too. It’s a surprise for you.”

“Shut it Mike, you’re terrible at keeping secrets and you’ve already let loose that you have one. Just- go make sure the place is set okay? We can both go later tonight to get the other thing.”

Matt was hardly listening, pounding his fists against Ian’s back, still hanging from the older man’s shoulder as if his friend forgot he was carting around a twenty-four year old man in his arms. Ian set him down after Mike was already gone, and smiled at him again.

“You’re gonna love this,” he stated confidently.

Matt rolled his eyes and straightened his clothes. He wasn’t so sure he would like it at all. The last time they had tried to do something nice for him, they had shown up with a male stripper. Matt laughed at that memory. He had to admit it hadn’t been all bad, but still, the idea of it was still just so odd to get his mind around. It actually worried him that they already had a plan for tonight, but he would at least give them a chance to try.

Later that night he was glad he had. He was staring up at the wall of windows that made up the hotel Mike and Ian had booked him a room in. Neither of them was there but they had given him explicit instructions to get his room key and wait. They had said they were going to get the last piece of his gift to kick off the celebration.

The girl at the front desk was really friendly, her name tag reading something like Carla or maybe Carly. “Here’s your keycard Mr. Webb,” she told him. “Suite 604 is where you will be staying tonight.”

Matt was impressed. “A suite? Wow. Thanks, I’ll just head right up then.”

“Enjoy your stay,” she chirped happily.

“Thanks,” Matt said again as he turned away.

He headed straight for the elevator and went directly to the sixth floor. He stepped into the hallway and tried to find his room, laughing at himself when he started off going the wrong way. The keycard worked on the first try, the door swinging open to reveal a brightly lit room. There was a kitchen to the side, right beside a bar. Matt perked up at that, eying some of the more expensive vodkas and whiskeys.

Hey, if Mike and Ian wanted to pay for it…

Matt smirked and passed on the alcohol for the moment, wanting to explore the luxuries he was being offered at the moment. The place was huge, really, easily twice the size of his apartment. The very back wall was simply glass, mirrored on the outside to keep any onlookers at bay, and strong enough to not even have a glancing worry about breaking it. The last bits of the sunset were streaming through too, lighting up the open area Matt guessed was like the living room. He never really understood the setup of a suite. It was practically a house, just a hell of a lot more expensive and much less practical.

The brown haired man smiled a bit to himself, thinking he wouldn’t mind finding a house to settle down in. Maybe finally find a steady boyfriend and live a bit more of a normal life. He definitely wanted that, knew he could do it. His initial signing bonus had already given him enough to pay off a loan or two, and the income would hopefully just keep getting better.

Brushing that thought aside though, Matt meandered around a bit more, discovering a master bedroom. The bed was fitting for the suite, large and unnecessary, but fluffy looking too. The blanket alone looked like some plush, expensive material.

“Oh, I’ve got to try this,” Matt chuckled to himself.

He chucked his jacket off onto the floor and loosened the cuffs on his button up shirt. Kicking his shoes off as well, the young man started hopping from one foot to the other, shaking his hands, and taking a few quick breaths. A few steps back, and he was off running full speed towards the bed, and at the last minute jumping to sail through the air. He landed with a small ‘oomph’ and couldn’t contain the little giggle that bubbled up in his chest. Matt considered thanking his two best friends for this experience alone.

Sighing happily, Matt rolled around on the bed for a moment, gathering the blanket up in a bunch around him. He finally settled when he was sufficiently cocooned in the plush material, and let his eyes drift closed for a bit. Mike and Ian had told him to wait, but he didn’t know how long that might mean, and he was tired from having to get up early and video-conference with his new manager. He nuzzled into the blanket a bit more, curling up comfortably, and then settled down to wait for the rest of his surprise. He was sure his best friends wouldn’t mind if he napped for a bit either. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt was rolling on top of him in an instant, pinning Josh down and crowding against him. Josh gasped as a knee was shoved between his thighs and the hands in his hair tightened even more. 
> 
> Matt hummed sleepily and nosed close to Josh’s ear. “Who the hell are you?”

Josh thumbed at the lighter in his hand, sending a flame up to burn at the end of the cigarette he had between his lips. Gratefully, he sucked the smoke into his lungs, savoring the burn of it down his throat. He told himself this was enough, that the little orange ember at the tip of his cigarette was enough heat to warm him up. He had been waiting for a John for over an hour, watching as the sun slipped away into darkness, and it had been getting colder as he lingered on the street corner. A lamp had turned on up above, causing a halo of light to surround the blond, and Josh sucked in another lungful of smoke.

Closing his eyes, he tried to ignore the way his hands were shaking. That wasn’t going to work though, not when he felt something flutter down to land on his cheek and melt away into water. Josh blinked his eyes open to confirm it. Little dots of snow were floating past him, silent and soft. Perfect. As each little snowflake hit the sidewalk it stuck for a few precious seconds before it was gone again, a tiny watermark the only proof that it had even been there.

“Shit,” he breathed, smoke pluming out and curling from his lips as he tilted his head back against the brick wall.

Josh loved the snow, how pure and beautiful it was, so different from himself. But soon it would be too cold to wait like this. He brought the cigarette back to his lips and took a slow pull, holding the taste of it for a moment before giving a slow release. Just like before, the smoke curled out of his mouth, but it seemed thinner than Josh remembered. Less substantial than what he really needed.

Letting out a quiet sigh, Josh held the cigarette pointed towards his palm and flicked at the lit end, killing the burn that would have continued consuming the thing. He tucked the butt back into the pack he had pulled it from, slipping all of them into his pocket again as he pushed off from his perch against the wall. He was really starting to shiver now, but he would wait a little longer.

He had to.

Josh had gone to his land lord that morning, handing over more than half of the money he had earned from the bastard he had let use him last night. Rent was already stacked up from so many months he had been late on it. Hell, he was paying two rents after having to ditch his last apartment when the landlord found out what Josh did for a living. The fucker didn’t want a prostitute living in his complex, but he’d still charge him the fee for the room he had leased out after throwing Josh to the curb.

Brett, his current landlord, was different. He knew what Josh was and didn’t care, actually came up to talk to him sometimes if he was getting worried about how late the blond got in. Josh didn’t understand that. Didn’t see how the man could be so friendly towards him, worried about him when he was nothing. He didn’t deserve to have friends like that. Didn’t deserve friends at all, really. But Brett always tried anyways, and had tried that morning. He had pushed Josh’s hand away, not wanting to accept the cash from the blond, telling him he didn’t have to worry about rent right now. Josh couldn’t help but agree, he also had to pay utilities and buy groceries, but there was no way he was going to let Brett brush off what money Josh owed.  He wasn’t going to let himself do that either. So he had grabbed Brett’s hand and shoved the money into it, leaving the office in a huff and going back to his apartment to change before going out in hopes of finding a customer.  

He could go a bit longer without food anyways, he hardly ate most days in the first place, but he’d used all the cash he had left to get some essentials. And yes, essentials included cigarettes. They were a dirty habit, but so was he to so many other men around the city. He figured the little cancer sticks were actually healthier than his night life, so he might as well indulge a little. He was almost itching to pull his pack back out and finish the halfy, but it had only been a few minutes since he had put it away, and he also heard footsteps coming around the corner.

“…told you I saw a guy here the other day,” the voice chirped. “He was perfect.”

Josh smiled a bit at that, knowing just how wrong the man was, but slipped a little into the darkness outside of the street light. He could hear another man now too. Deeper voice, probably bigger. The blond was feeling nervous now.

“Think Matt will like him then?”

“Yeah,” the first one answered right away. “He was all pale and pretty, tall, thin. Blond and blue hair too. Exciting.”

They were almost around the corner now, Josh could tell. He wasn’t sure what these guys were talking about, who Matt was, but there was no way he was in the mood for more than one tonight. He was still so sore…but then again, he needed the money. He let his eyes slide shut, biting at his lip as he tried to hold himself together. The blond wrapped his arms around his front, fingers digging into the bruises that littered his hips under his layers of clothes. The small bursts of pain helped him focus a little better. Just breathe, he told himself, smile pretty for all the rich little boys who want to buy a plaything. Who cares if they just use you? You’re just a filthy whore anyways. Let them do what they want so you can get your money and get out.

Josh’s hands were shaking harder now, not so much from the cold as from his sudden flare of anxiety, and he pressed them a bit more into the marks on his skin. He swallowed thickly when he could hear the men even closer.

“Where is he then?” Deep voice asked.

“I thought I had seen him right around- There!”

Josh’s eyes snapped open, his head snapping to the side to find an odd pair coming towards him in a rush. He didn’t mean to, but he flinched back a bit, but they didn’t seem to notice. The one with a mass of curls on top of his head was smiling brightly, and he was flanked by a bigger man with dark hair styled up into a fohawk. They both stopped a few feet away from Josh, smiling at him, eyes assessing. It made the blonds skin crawl.

When curly spoke though, Josh was surprised to find that he was actually the one with the slightly deeper voice. The guy was slim, not much shorter than Josh was, and he looked like he might be a cool guy, if he weren’t about to proposition a whore on the street.

“You’re right man, he is perfect,” Curly breathed.

Josh nearly sneered. He always hated it when people talked about him as if he weren’t there. Like he couldn’t see their lips move and hear the words that tumbled out. “Thanks sugar,” he purred anyways. “Looking for a little fun?”

Big man spoke next, his wide shoulders hunching a bit as the snow picked up. “Damn, he’s even got a pretty voice. Matt will love him.”

The blond huffed then, getting tired of the way he was being ignored despite the clear consideration each man was putting into his appearance. The snow flurries picked up and Josh tried to shake them away, bangs falling out across his forehead before he swept them back with his shaking hand. The two before him watched the movement, but neither made a move.

“Do you want me or not?” Josh asked flat out.

Curly’s eyes widened and Big Man’s mouth dropped open a bit. Josh nearly smirked at their reaction, but he waited to see what they would say.

“Uh, right, yeah,” the bigger one finally answered Josh. “How- uh, how much for a night?”

Josh bit his lip, wondering how much he might be able to get away with asking for. “How much you got?”

Curly smirked. “Look we just want you for one night. Do you have like, a flat rate or something?”

The blond squared his shoulders a bit at that. Curly was starting to come off as a little abrasive. “If I’ll be having the both of you, it’ll cost five hundred,” he said a little harshly.

“Oh!” Big Man’s eyes got wide. “N-no, ha, uh…not for us. For a friend.”

“Matt huh?” Josh shoved his hands in his pockets, the tips of his fingers beginning to feel numb. “Where is this mystery man?”

“How did you-?” Big Man started.

Josh glared at him. “Just because I’m a whore, doesn’t mean I can’t hear you when you speak. You’ve said his name twice now, but I don’t see him here do I? Why can’t the infamous Matt come buy his own tail himself?”

“You’re a sassy fucker aren’t you,” Curly laughed.

The blond laughed too, tilting his head back and letting some of the snow land on his cheeks as he took a more serious tone. “I’m not usually the one doing the fucking.”

“Jesus,” Big Man breathed. “This is entirely too awkward.”

“So where is he?” Josh asked. “Where’s Matt?”

“Back at a hotel,” Curly answered. “Where we’d like to take you to… see to his surprise.”

Josh stilled at that. “What do you mean, surprise? He knows about this right?”

“Uh…Not really, no,” Big Man scratched at the back of his neck nervously. “That won’t… be a problem will it?”

The blond scoffed, pissed off now. “Yeah it fucking will be. I don’t do surprises.”

“Why not?” Curly stepped a little closer.

Josh stepped back. “How well do you think it’ll roll over if you just send me into a hotel room to see to a guy I’ve never met? Do you think he’ll be happy that a stranger just walks in off the street and says something along the lines of ‘oh, by the way, I’m here for you to fuck me’? Do you really think that’ll work? You don’t look that stupid, honestly.”

Curly frowned. “Look, we’re willing to pay good money for this.”

“I don’t care about your little rich boy money. I don’t do surprises. I’d like to not get my ass beat because some guy freaks out when a strange dude walks into his hotel room.” Josh squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. He didn’t need this stress right now. Didn’t need to be arguing on the street corner about something like this. Especially when it was snowing harder now and he could be back at his shitty apartment. At least it was dry there. He let out a sigh and opened his eyes again, looking at the two men wearily. “Look, I just can’t help you tonight. Find some other whore to satisfy his needs.”

Josh turned on his heels and started into the darkness, but that didn’t stop him from hearing Curly’s next words.

“We’ll pay you a thousand!” He called out.

The blond stalled out and spun back around. “Excuse me?”

Curly raked a hand through his hair, looking more worn out than Josh felt, and that was an accomplishment. “You’re perfect for him,” he sighed. “We’ll pay you a thousand.”

Josh was quiet for a moment, biting down hard on his lip. This was dumb; he knew it was probably the stupidest fucking thing to even be considering. He was never one to do something too risky, and this was definitely something that he would consider far riskier than just finding a random John. If the guy got too freaked out, there was a high possibility of cops. And nobody had the time for that, especially Josh. But a thousand dollars… for one guy. One night. He could pay off a lot of bills with that.

Josh brought his hands up to run over his face, feeling so, so tired. It always came back to this. Always. But it would stop Brett from looking at him with so much pity, even just for a little while, and maybe put some food in Josh’s belly. Yeah he rarely ate, but he didn’t want to admit that it had already been days since his last real meal. Maybe he’d even be able to take a night or two off. And damn, wouldn’t that be nice? Just a couple of days without a stranger’s dick up his ass. Yeah, he could live with that.

He let his hands drop down to his sides, and eyed the two men before him again. They were waiting, watching him with hopeful eyes, and Josh just sighed, the sound heavy even to his own ears.

“So you’ll do it?” Big Man asked, voice barely above a whisper in its uncertainty.

Josh sighed again, but nodded in defeat. When the two men gave little noises of thanks and crowded around Josh’s shoulders to herd him towards wherever he needed to be, the blond’s eyes were glued to the concrete. Every step they took made slushing noises in the thin layer of wet snow that was actually starting to stick, and with every step Josh was beginning to regret his decision more and more.

So many things could go wrong.

He at least hoped the John…or Matt, he supposed. He knew the man’s name already, and that was a first. His clients never told him their names and Josh never asked. Anonymity was just something that came with the job description. But Josh at least hoped that Matt would be different than most. This entire situation was running a little sidelong, and all Josh could really ask for was a guy that didn’t want to make him feel like shit for offering them his body.

But maybe that was too much to ask for.

He was a whore after all. He deserved to be treated like shit.

Josh huddled in on himself a little more, and felt cold even after Big Man and Curly had led him to a car where they all climbed in and started driving. The heat was on full blast, but Josh just couldn’t shake the icy feeling in his chest. The feeling only got worse when they pulled up to one of the best hotels in the city. At least twenty floors of high-end, high-priced establishment. Josh had never even dared going into the building; let alone having a John there. He swallowed thickly.

Big Man was out first, having stopped on the street right in front of the entrance. He came around and opened Josh’s door for him and the blond stepped out hesitantly. Curly got out last, tossing the keys to a valet and moving to Josh’s other side. He clapped a hand down on the blond’s shoulder and Josh involuntarily shied away from the touch. Curly let his hand drop, a look of uncertainty crossing his face for a split second before he was smiling again.

“So this is it,” he said as he swept his arms out in front of him as if presenting the hotel as a gift. “He’s on the sixth floor. All you have to do is go up to the desk and tell them you are the second occupant for Mr. Webb’s suite. They are already expecting you so you can head right up.”

Josh snapped his attention to Curly. “Wait, you’re not coming up there too?”

Curly pulled a face. “Why would we?”

“You’re buying me,” Josh said simply.

“For Matt, so you can do the rest on your own.”

Josh frowned and turned to fully face the smaller man. He stuck his hand out. “Give me the money then.”

Curly sputtered. “Now?”

The blond kept his hand raised, insistent. “If he hurts me, kicks me out, or calls the cops I want assurance that I’m at least getting paid for trying. If he doesn’t do any of those things then you have nothing to worry about and have just paid me in advance for services.”

Even Big Man looked skeptical and Josh sighed.

“Look,” he dropped his attitude for a moment. “A thousand is way more than my usual price. I’m not about to skip out on that amount of money and risk you coming after me for it. It’s also enough though, to make me want to be absolutely sure I get paid.”

Curly blinked, looking to Big Man and back to Josh before sighing and shoving his hand in his pocket, pulling out a wallet. “Alright fine, we’ll both pay half okay?”

Big Man sighed but pulled out his wallet too before both men were handing over a few bills each. Josh almost wanted to laugh at how both of these men just had that amount of cash on them. The blond only had a fifth of that amount right after seeing a John, and he rarely kept it on him long before it was gone to paying off his dues. He folded the money carefully before slipping it into the inside pocket of his jacket and buttoning it back up.

“Thank you,” Josh murmured, looking back up at the hotel.

Curly clapped a hand on Josh’s shoulder. “So we’re good then. Head on up and take care of our boy.”

Josh frowned, shrugging off Curly’s hand, and took a step towards the hotel before stopping to turn back towards the two waiting behind him. “How will I get home after this?”

“Oh,” Big Man’s eye brows shot up on his forehead. “Uh, we hadn’t thought of that.”

The blond sighed. “Never mind, I’ll figure it out.”

Before either Curly or Big Man could answer, Josh was turning back around and walking up the steps towards the doorman who held open the glass door for him. Josh nodded his thanks to the man as he entered the lobby. The ceilings were high, elaborate chandeliers hanging down to light the room with a soft glow. It was beautiful, and Josh felt more than ever that he shouldn’t be there. He didn’t belong in a place this nice. Didn’t deserve it. He hunched into his coat a bit more and shuffled over to the front desk. A nice girl looked up at him and smiled.

“Good evening sir,” she chirped. “How can I help you?”

“Uh, hi. Good evening. Um, I’m here as the uh, se-second…person…for Mr. Webb’s suite?” Josh wanted to bash his head against the counter.

But the receptionist just kept smiling at him. “Right. Here’s your key card then sir. Room 604. Is there anything else I can help you with sir?”

Josh accepted the little envelope that held his keycard, and looked at the girl again. “Uh, which floor then?”

“Oh, sixth floor sir,” the girl smiled brightly.

“Right…uh, sorry, right. Thank you…” Josh glanced at the girl’s name tag. “Carly.”

The girl beamed. “Thank _you,_ sir. Have a good night.”

“You too,” Josh murmured.

He made his way to the elevator and waited until the doors closed to press the button for the sixth level. When the doors opened again, he stepped out and easily found the room he held a key for. Josh sighed, rubbing a hand over his face for a moment before sliding the key into the lock. The light turned green, a little click sounding, and Josh tried to stop the shaking of his hands as he reached for the knob.

The room was dark when he stepped inside, but Josh didn’t bother finding a light switch. He closed the door behind him and moved farther into the darkness. There was no sound but a light snoring of all things, and Josh followed it. He moved silently through the room until he pushed open a slightly ajar door and found the source of the snoring. Josh decided to flick on the bedside light and let out a soft breath when he took in the appearance of the stranger he had been bought for.

The man asleep on the bed was gorgeous, younger than Josh had expected, and adorably wrapped up in the large bundle of blankets. He had brown hair that was curled at the ends and feathered out across his forehead that Josh just wanted to push back for him. That thought made the blond pause. He had never wanted to touch a client before, and now he was doing just that. Josh had moved to the side of the bed as quiet as possible, and sat down right beside the sleeping man. He reached out to run his fingertips along the younger man’s forehead, brushing back the wild hair so it was in line with all the rest.

He really did seem different than all the other Johns the blond had had as clients, and he hadn’t even woken up yet. Josh couldn’t help but think maybe this one wouldn’t be so bad after all. He rose from the bed long enough to take off his jacket, carefully folding it and setting it aside, as well as removing his shirt and shoes. Crawling back onto the bed, he gently pulled the blanket away from the man’s shoulders, vaguely registering that the material was softer than any other duvet he had felt before, and revealed the man’s front.

Matt murmured softly, rolling onto his back and shuffling a bit, but didn’t wake. Josh breathed out in slight relief at that and brought his hands back up to the buttons of Matt’s shirt, slipping the fasteners out of each loop as he had done to his own shirt the night before. As he loosed each new button, Josh dipped down and brushed his lips over the skin he revealed. The younger man’s chest was bare of hair, tanned muscles smooth and soft, and Josh couldn’t help but appreciate that.

Josh’s tongue darted out against Matt’s firm stomach, making the sleeping man stir, but Josh ignored that and continued pulling at buttons until the shirt was completely open. Then his fingers dipped beneath the waistband he had come down to and made quick work of the snap and zip. The blond still ignored the sounds coming from the younger man’s mouth as he tugged the material down Matt’s hips. He still had yet to find hair on the man’s body, and he was surprised to find that that fact was making his cock thicken in his tight leather pants. He gave a final tug on Matt’s jeans to reveal what was beneath, and couldn’t help himself from wrapping his lips around what he found.

_“Whores don’t get to taste.”_

The words lashed through Josh’s mind, but they didn’t make him stop. He flicked his tongue around the head of Matt’s cock, slipping his mouth down farther on the hardening length, and hollowed his cheeks. The blond still hadn’t focused on the sounds Matt was letting out, but when he felt hands tighten in his hair and yank him away from the cock between his lips, Josh wished he had.

He was pulled up roughly, a whimper escaping his lips at the sharp pain, and shoved over onto his back against the pillows. Matt was rolling on top of him in an instant, pinning Josh down and crowding against him. Josh gasped as a knee was shoved between his thighs and the hands in his hair tightened even more.

Matt hummed sleepily and nosed close to Josh’s ear. “Who the hell are you?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh swallowed nervously. This whole night was going to be full of firsts, wasn’t it?

Matt was slowly shaking off the sleep he had been woken from, but he was fully aware of the press of warm skin against his chest. He was even more aware of his bared cock, hard and straining against his lower belly as he pressed the stranger down onto the mattress. He couldn’t help rocking his hips forward and the blonds eyes widened, his long fingers wrapping around Matt’s wrists as he gasped at the movement of the younger man’s hips. Matt wasn’t about to let his hold on the man go though, and he tightened his fingers around the soft strands of hair in his hands, but didn’t pull on it again.

Despite a stranger being in his bed, he felt bad for having yanked so hard on the man’s hair. He hadn’t missed the gasp of pain that escaped the blond’s pretty lips, or the widening of his crystal blue eyes. He was fucking gorgeous, but Matt had no idea how he had gotten into his bed or into the suite for that matter.

“Who the hell are you,” he demanded again, “and what are you doing in my bed?”

The blond sucked in a shaky breath and licked his lips. Matt tracked the movement, wanting so badly to do the same to the blond’s mouth with his own tongue.

“I-I… uh, your friends brought me here,” the blond answered.

“Doesn’t answer the first question,” Matt stated. “Who are you?”

“M-my name is Josh,” the man whispered.

“Hmm…And what friends brought you here?”

“I d-don’t know. They didn’t bother to tell me their names,” Josh answered nervously.

Matt could see fear in the man’s eyes and lifted off him a bit. “They huh? Mike and Ian I suppose. They bought me this suite for the night, and said there was another surprise too.”

“M-me,” Josh whispered.

“What?”

Josh squirmed on the bed a bit, but another small gasp escaped his lips when his cock rubbed against Matt’s thigh which was still pushed between his legs. Matt couldn’t help the smirk that curved his lips at that and pushed his thigh in closer to the blond’s core. Josh closed his eyes and took a slow breath. When he opened his eyes again they seemed dulled.

“They bought me…for you to use,” he explained softly, relaxing under Matt’s hold. His whole body went lax.

Matt’s eyes widened, “Oh.”

“You can do whatever you want to me,” Josh whispered. “They certainly paid enough for you to do anything you want with my body.”

The younger man was shocked by the sudden shift in the man below him. He didn’t seem nervous any more, didn’t fight Matt’s hold in his hair…didn’t even look at Matt as he offered up his body. He was completely disconnected. And Matt didn’t like that. He loosened a hand from Josh’s hair and brought it down to the blond’s cheek, thumbing over his jaw, and leaned forward to bring their mouths close together.

“Can I kiss you then?” he breathed quietly.

Josh certainly reacted to that, his body tensing just enough to tell Matt he was on the right track. If he was really going to do this, and he was definitely considering it with how hard his cock was between his legs at just waking up to this man in his bed, then he didn’t just want a body to fuck. He wanted Josh. All he would have to do was pretend the pretty blond was here for him and not for the money.

Right?

“I-I said you could do whatever you wanted with me,” Josh murmured.

“But what about you Josh,” Matt asked.

“What do you mean, what about me?”

“What do you want?”

Josh frowned, finally bringing his gaze back to Matt’s. “It doesn’t matter what I want.”

Matt pulled back at that, letting his hands fall away from the blond’s body entirely as he pushed up onto his hands and knees to kneel over him. Josh moved slowly, unsure of what Matt might do, and ran his fingers through his hair in an attempt to soothe the slight ache that still lingered where Matt had pulled him up. The younger man didn’t climb off Josh though; staying perched above him with his leg still pushed between Josh’s spread ones.

“It matters to me,” he told the blond.

Josh couldn’t hold back the scoff that escaped his lips. “I was paid a thousand dollars for my opinion and my wants not to matter. Like I said, you can do whatever you want with me, and I won’t stop you. Not tonight.”

Matt frowned at that. “Fine,” he sighed. “Then you can get out.”

“What?” Josh hadn’t been ready for that. Hadn’t expected the way Matt’s lip curled as he stared down at him a moment before rolling away from where he had perched above Josh’s hips.

“I said you can get out. You found your way in, you can find your way out. It’s what I want, Josh, because I sure as hell don’t want a stranger that was bought for me. And I especially don’t want a stranger that isn’t willing to tell me no.” Matt wouldn’t even look at the blond as he pulled his pants back up enough to zip them, but didn’t bother to button them.

“I-I don’t understand…” Josh started. He sat up in the middle of the mattress and pulled his knees up to cover his bare chest as best he could. A John had never turned him down like this before. And he couldn’t quite wrap his head around why that fact was bothering him. Why Matt was bothering him.

Matt scoffed as he realized his shirt was fully unbuttoned, and let it fall off his shoulders as he slid off the bed and made his way over to his shoes and coat he had discarded before. He dropped his shirt onto the carpet beside his other things before crossing the room again to open a door Josh hadn’t seen when he had come in. Matt paused when he turned on the light to what Josh discovered was the bathroom, and he spun on his heels to look at the blond again.

“What I really want, Josh, is not someone that doesn’t care,” Matt said softly. “Mike and Ian don’t seem to understand that, and clearly you don’t either. So if what you really wanted was just a thousand dollars, then you have it and you can go. You clearly know where the door is.”

“I can’t just take your money and leave,” Josh scrambled off the bed but didn’t move closer to Matt when the younger man crossed his arms over his chest and huffed.

“It’s not my money in your pocket now is it?”

“That doesn’t matter,” Josh scoffed.

“Oh?” Matt popped his hip out to lean against the door frame and raised an eye brow in question. “Why doesn’t that matter?”

“W-well, I mean,” Josh shifted from one foot to the other, feeling nervous and hating it. “Look. Nothing good would come of it. The worst things that have happened to me always came with something free. I can’t just take a wad of cash and not give you something in return for it.”

“Is that why you do this? Sell yourself?”

Josh laughed softly, dropping his gaze to the floor. “You’re really not like the others.”

“What do you mean?” Matt asked.

“Look, I don’t even know you. I’m not just-”

“Yeah,” Matt cut in. “I don’t know you either, but I woke up with your mouth wrapped around my cock.”

Josh flinched at that, wrapped his arms around his bare chest, and moved back until his legs hit the bed again. Fuck. He hated feeling so vulnerable. He hated that this stranger could make him feel that way too.

“If you really want me to go-”

“What if I want you to tell me about yourself? Something personal?” Matt dropped his arms to his sides and walked forward. He moved slowly, not wanting to make Josh flinch away from him again. “What if I want you to stay so I can get to know you?”

“Why would you want to do that? I’m just a whore,” Josh forced his voice to come off harsher than he actually felt.

He didn’t need a stranger trying to be his friend. He had plenty of friends...well, did Brett really count? The only other person Josh could think of was another trick, Anami, who tended to just show up at Josh’s apartment whenever the hell he wanted. Yeah, well, either way those two were the only people Josh really thought he could even remotely call friend. He didn’t need Matt. He didn’t.

Matt started walking forward though, giving Josh no room to escape, and lifted his hand to Josh’s hair. He ran his fingers through the blond and blue strands carefully. “I’m sorry for pulling your hair earlier,” Matt whispered.

“I… Don’t worry about it,” Josh frowned. He hadn’t been expecting that at all. “I’ve had a lot rougher before.”

Matt frowned too, and dropped his hand before taking a step back. “Look, whether you want to talk or not, I could use the company. If it really makes you feel better not just leaving after already being paid, you can stay. I’m going to take a shower though. Make yourself comfortable…if you want.”

Josh didn’t answer, didn’t react, and watched Matt closely. The younger man waited, but eventually rolled his eyes and shrugged, stepping farther away from the blond. He rubbed the back of his neck and hitched his head towards the bathroom door, drawing Josh’s eyes there again.

“I’ll be in there if you need me. Just…do whatever you want.”

Josh finally gave a nod, and watched as Matt turned and made his way back to the bathroom. He could see Matt unzipping his pants again before he even got to the door, but the younger man shut the door softly behind him. Josh wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t like that Matt had closed it. He felt alone now. And wasn’t that what he wanted? Just last night Josh had wanted nothing more than to just disappear into his mattress.

Matt was so different though.

No John had ever offered him the option of just leaving if he wanted to. Every client Josh had had would only fuck him and chuck him. They would use his body however they wanted and not think twice and never wanted anything more. Neither did he. If Josh was honest with himself, it actually made him sick. He barely slept and hardly took good enough care of himself. Fuck, he was practically starving himself and loving it because it was really the only control he even had in his life. The only control he had over his own fucking body.

But Matt had given him an option. A fucking choice. Leave or stay.

And Josh was somehow leaning towards staying.

As he debated with himself, he heard the water turn on in the bathroom, the hotel shower’s water pressure audibly louder from a distance than Josh’s apartment shower. He could almost imagine the way it must feel. Not cold water, but hot, and the spray of the water strong enough to actually help scrub away the filth that covered his body after taking on a John. Josh could also imagine Matt standing in the shower, his body slick from the water.

Before Josh knew what he was doing, he was across the room and his hand had wrapped around the door handle, ready to open the bathroom door. He hesitated though, biting his lip hard enough he tasted coppery blood. Did he really want to do this?

_“Just gagging for a taste aren’t you?”_

Josh squeezed his eyes shut at the flash of memory, but then he let it go. He had already had a taste of Matt, and that alone was something he rarely did for his clients. And damn it, he wanted to taste again. He took a deep breath and turned the handle to push the door open, immediately walking into a wall of steam. He could barely make out the outline of Matt’s body through the glass doors of the shower stall, but he moved closer to fix that problem.

He brought his hands up to pop the snap on his shiny leather pants, black this time, and pulled the zipper down. Like all nights he went out, he wore no boxers or even briefs so when he pushed the pants down his legs he was already fully bare, and stepped out of the tight material before moving forward.

Matt had his back to the glass doors, his back arched as he scrubbed shampoo into his hair and his legs spread wide to avoid the drain in the middle of the shower floor. He spun around with a gasp when he heard the small click of the stall door opening, soapy bubbles running down the sides of his face, and his hands covered in the same sudsy froth. Josh couldn’t help but laugh quietly as he stepped forward and wrapped his arms tentatively around Matt’s waist, but the younger man pressed his hands again Josh’s chest. Their skin slid together from the water and shampoo, making it harder for Matt to keep a distance between them, but Josh didn’t try to pull the younger man closer. He worried his lips again, ducking his head as he tried to think of what to do next.

“What are you doing?” Matt asked though.

Josh’s eyes flickered back up, taking in the deep brown of Matt’s. “What if I wanted you to fuck me?”

“If that was what you really wanted,” Matt frowned, “but I don’t really think it is.”

“I liked having your cock in my mouth,” Josh said quietly.

But, if it were possible, Matt’s frown got deeper. “Don’t do that.”

“What?”

“Treat me like some other client. Don’t try and…I don’t know…sell yourself. ‘Cause I didn’t buy you, Mike and Ian did. You don’t have to be like that with me.”

“How do you want me to be?” Josh asked before he could stop himself.

He squeezed his eyes shut, reprimanding himself for a moment. He sounded so much like the whore he was, but he felt Matt’s hands slide up his chest and around the back of his neck to hold on. Josh’s eyes snapped open just as Matt closed the gap between them, their chests sliding together and their cocks dangerously close to doing the same. Josh sucked in a quick breath.

“I want you…” Matt started slowly, leaning in a little closer, “…to be you.”

“Why? I’m just a wh-”

Matt’s mouth crashed against Josh’s, their teeth clacking together before either could get a bit of control. Josh gave all of his to Matt though, loving the way the younger man invaded his mouth and nipped at his lips. What he didn’t love was the soapy taste, and he pulled back with a giggle, sputtering to try and get the taste out. Matt laughed too, twisting them both so they were under the direct spray of the water. Josh turned his face up, opening his mouth to let it fill with water before spitting it back out and repeating. He couldn’t help but laugh again when the taste was completely gone, watching Matt dip his head under the water to rinse away the soapy bubbles, and Josh did the same just to get his hair wet before shaking it out and pushing it away from his eyes. He could feel the unfamiliar stretch of a smile on his lips.

Matt was watching him, a smile on his lips as well, and the younger man moved forward once again to pull Josh into his arms even as they both stood under the spray of water. “Just like that,” he stated.

Josh quirked his head to the side and wiped the water from his eyes before letting his arms rest around Matt’s shoulders. “Like that?”

“I want you to be like that. Smiling. Not worrying about me, just being yourself.”

“You really aren’t like any of the others…” Josh breathed.

He wasn’t sure why he was even saying these things to Matt, why he was still standing in the shower with this man that had told him to leave with a free ticket to a thousand dollars. Josh had never wanted to actually stay with a John before, but Matt made him feel like just this once it might not turn out quite as bad as he knew any night with any other man would. No client had ever asked Josh what he wanted. Hell, he was still sore from his John last night, the ache in his ass not entirely having faded. All his clients ever wanted was a body to use and control. To fuck and abuse. Until Matt. And Josh dipped his head down anyways; let his lips hover over Matt’s in a moment of hesitation.

Did he really want to let Matt use him like he had let all the other clients?

But then Matt was pushing up again, connecting their lips before Josh could think through where he might want this night to go. With the younger man’s mouth on his, his tongue pushing between Josh’s lips, the blond felt there was no choice but to stay.

He relaxed against Matt’s chest, tightened his hold on the younger man’s waist, and let himself finally feel what was being offered. And it wasn’t pain. Not a rough fuck like the night before, or every night Josh went out looking for a John. Matt was offering him something more.

And fuck all if that wasn’t scary enough.

“Stop it,” Matt mumbled when he pulled back for a breath.

“W-what?” Josh gasped when he felt the younger man’s hands drop down low enough to cup at his ass and squeeze.

“Stop thinking so hard,” Matt laughed breathily, rocking his hips up against the blond’s.

Josh sucked in a breath at that, dropping his head to Matt’s shoulder, and just moved with him. “I can’t help it,” he admitted.

“What were you thinking about then?”

“How I wasn’t lying when I said I liked having your cock in my mouth,” Josh whispered.

His voice was barely audible over the spray of the water, but Matt heard every word. “Is that all you want from this then? For me to fuck you?”

Josh lifted his head to look at Matt then, licking his lips and blushing deeper than the steam of the shower had already made him. “I want to taste you.”

Matt didn’t say anything for a long moment, his eyes going distant for a moment, and Josh thought he may have just made the wrong choice. But then Matt was moving backwards, pulling Josh with him, and stopped when his shoulders hit the tile of the shower stall. He let his hands drop away from Josh’s waist, and nodded at him.

“I told you to take what you wanted Josh, so go ahead,” he hummed. “Taste.”

“Fuck,” Josh breathed.

But then he dropped to his knees, sliding forward until he was pressed between Matt’s legs, and licked his lips again. He had never wanted to suck a client as much as he did Matt, and damn it, here the younger man was, staring down at him and just waiting for him to do it. Josh’s fingers started at Matt’s ankles, slowly lifting up his calves, along the underside of the younger man’s thighs.

Matt pushed out a heavy breath, waiting. Watching. And Josh brought his hands forward to hold tight to the younger man’s hips before dipping forward and flicking his tongue out against the base of Matt’s cock. The younger man brought his own hands to Josh’s hair and carded his fingers through the soft strands, cupping the back of Josh’s head, for the first time fully realizing that the blond had a tongue piercing.

“Fucking hell,” Matt grunted.

Josh glanced up, his blue eyes wide and shining as he smirked and opened his lips again to take in just the head of Matt’s cock and sucked it softly. Matt tightened his grip on Josh’s hair but didn’t push him, letting the blond do what he wanted. And Josh took full advantage of that, popping his lips off Matt’s tips before nudging the younger man’s legs open just a little bit wider so he could nuzzle in against Matt’s thigh. His lips brushed against the underside of Matt’s cock, just barely touching the younger man, and Matt groaned in frustration.

“You want it too, don’t you?” Josh smirked, flattening his tongue against Matt’s cock and licking straight to the tip.

Matt groaned, tugging softly on Josh’s hair, but smiled down at him. “Ngh…Want you to stop teasing, please, if you don’t mind.”

The blond’s eyes widen in shock at Matt’s words, and at how good it feels to have the younger man pulling on his hair. It doesn’t hurt. Not even a little, and Matt isn’t pushing him, isn’t shoving his cock down Josh’s throat. And fuck if that doesn’t just make Josh want the brunette more.

Josh didn’t take his eyes away from Matt’s for even a second when he opened his lips and swallowed the younger man down. It was practiced and quick, all of Matt’s length sliding smoothly down Josh’s throat, and Matt’s eyes fluttered closed for a moment as he let out a shaky sigh.

“Son of a bitch Josh,” he breatheed lightly, curling and uncurling his fingers in in the blond’s hair. “That’s so fucking pretty.”

He could see a bare sliver of blue in Josh’s eyes, the blond still not looking away as he stretched his mouth around Matt’s cock and sucked him down. His lips were already a pretty shade of red too, swollen and so damn sexy. Matt wanted to kiss them again, wanted to feel Josh’s mouth giving way under his own, but he wasn’t about to pull the blond away from his task. Not when it was what Josh had asked for, wanted.

“So fucking pretty,” Matt repeated, meaning it even more every time he said it.

The blond hummed his thanks at the compliment, whether or not he believed it, and sent vibrations from his throat straight down Matt’s cock. The younger man let out a soft gasp at that, his head tilting back against the tiled wall of the shower, and slid his hands down to Josh’s shoulders. Josh arched under the touch, wanting Matt to touch him, and hollowed his cheeks around the younger man’s cock, sucking hard. He bobbed his head back and forth, taking Matt down into his throat over and over, and pulling back just as often to taste the salty beads of pre cum that leaked from Matt’s tip.

“F-fuck, Josh,” Matt groaned, fingers kneading gently into Josh’s tense shoulders. “So fucking good.”

Josh nearly shook his head, not sure how to feel about the way Matt spoke to him, the way he touched him. He almost felt he should be getting used to it by now, Matt’s kindness seeping into him, but it was so different from what he had told from everyone else he had been with. It was actually a bit unsettling for the blond. He decided to push it to the back of his mind, closing his eyes and swirling his tongue along the underside of Matt’s cock as he swallowed around the length in his mouth, pushing his lips all the way down to Matt’s base.

“Shit! Shitshitshit! Gonna- Josh! Gonna cum!” The younger man gasped.

Matt’s hips bucked up against Josh’s hands, but the blond had a good enough hold on him to keep the movement from hurting. He pushed hard on Matt’s thighs, pinning him to the shower wall and worked his mouth up and down Matt’s cock faster, wanting to taste the younger man’s cum on his tongue like it was the most important thing in the world in that moment.

_“Bet you just love it you little slut.”_

Josh jolted back when the words of last night’s John flashed through his mind. Fuck, he couldn’t seem to shake that bastard… but the fucker had been right, hadn’t he? Josh loved the taste of Matt on his tongue, the weight of the younger man’s cock in his mouth. His stomach dropped and it felt like the hot water of the shower had suddenly turned to ice.

He really was a fucking whore wasn’t he?          

A slut.

He was just asking for it anyways.

Didn’t deserve anything better than being on his hands and knees.

“J-Josh?”

Matt’s panting breath pulled the blond back to what he was supposed to be doing, and he looked up to find the younger man looking down at him. His eyes were clouded with lust and confusion, and Josh realized he had pulled back completely. Damn it. He licked his lips, he forced a smile.

“Cum in my mouth,” he rasped out. “Let me taste all of you.”

The younger man’s eyes widened at that, but before he could answer Josh moved forward again and sucked Matt back down between his lips.

“F-Fuck,” Matt grunted, nodded frantically. “C-cuming...”

Josh squeezed his eyes shut; only working faster, and nearly sighed in his own relief when he heard Matt give a loud shout and the first stream of cum hit his tongue. The younger man’s fingers tightened around Josh’s shoulders, and yet the touch still didn’t hurt. Josh’s mouth filled and he savored the taste as he swallowed it down even when he had thought it would have repulsed him. Matt’s cock softened between his lips and the blond pulled back again, his gaze locked on the drain of the shower.

Would Matt get angry now? Angry that he had let himself be sucked off by a whore right off the street?

Josh pushed up to stand on his feet again, his knees and legs aching, bruised, and tried to appear as harmless as possible. But then Matt’s arms wrapped around his waist, pulling Josh back in again, and he slumped against the older man’s chest.

“What are you doing Matt?” Josh asked quickly. Scared of what was going to happen next.

Matt had frozen in place though, and Josh realized that he had just called the younger man by his name for the first time. Shit. Johns didn’t like it when the whore called them by name, did they?

“I-I didn’t mea-”

Matt stopped him though, standing up on his toes to press his lips to Josh’s. “Let’s just get out of the shower. It’s starting to get cold.”

Josh just nodded, following Matt out of the shower and allowing the younger man to towel him off, not really knowing why. Matt tugged him back towards the bedroom, not saying anything, but pulled the blond up onto the bed with him again. And they were right back where all of this had started.

“What are you doing?” Josh asked again, careful not to say the younger man’s name.

Matt smiled though, pulled Josh’s lips to his again, but didn’t push for more than a chaste kiss before he slipped under the blanket and smirked up at the blond, his eyes hopeful. “Would it be too much to ask for you to stay the night?”

Josh swallowed nervously. This whole night was going to be full of firsts, wasn’t it?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He could never want a client like that, could never let himself want that. It wasn’t safe. Not for him and certainly not for Matt.

Josh woke up slowly, murmuring softly at the warmth he seemed to be surrounded in. It was wonderful, and far warmer than his apartment had ever been. But then his eyes snapped open. This wasn’t his apartment, and this wasn’t his bed. The blond jolted hard when he realized there was someone pressed against his back and curling against him. And it didn’t help that there was an arm thrown over Josh’s side, the man, Matt, he remembered, holding him tight.

“Fuck,” Josh whispered.

He was feeling a bit frantic, the memories of the night before rushing back. He had stayed the night. He had actually spent an entire night with a John, when he had never done something like that before. And…he had liked it. Josh had actually allowed himself to fall asleep with Matt right beside him.

_“Will you let me take care of you?”_

Josh’s breath caught as he remembered the softly spoken words. Matt had been so kind to him, caring. And every brush of the younger man’s hands against the blond’s body had been just as gentle. Josh still couldn’t believe how Matt had actually treated him like a human being, like a normal fucking person. He was a whore, but Matt had asked him what he wanted, given him a choice, and then given Josh so much more. That was something no one had ever done for him.

And fuck…it actually made Josh want to stay longer. It made him want to turn over to face the younger man behind him and kiss him awake. To relive the night they had spent together. Josh actually wanted to have more with Matt. More than just a fuck, more than just a night spent sleeping in the most comfortable bed Josh had ever laid in. More than something that had simply been fabricated by the money still hiding in Josh’s jacket.

“What the hell did I get myself into?” Josh mumbled to himself.

Matt murmured softly but didn’t wake up. His arm did tighten around Josh’s waist though, keeping the blond close.

“Fuck,” Josh said again even as he settled back against Matt’s chest.

He just wanted to stay there forever, right there with Matt wrapped around him. Because it felt like something Josh wasn’t accustom to feeling at all. Safe.

Matt actually made him feel safe.

But he couldn’t take that from Matt, couldn’t just ask the man if he could stay, if Matt would actually take care of him. Josh was just a whore after all, someone to be used, someone to be left to his own dirty fucking life. Josh didn’t deserve Matt and he never would…but that didn’t stop him from letting out a contented sigh when the man behind him laid a soft kiss to the back of his neck, nuzzling against him lazily in his sleep.

He knew he would have to leave. He knew it. But he just wanted this for a little bit longer. He wanted to feel taken care of again like Matt had shown him last night. Josh could still remember it all, every touch, ever kiss, every breath shared between them. And he didn’t think he would ever forget.

_“So tell me about yourself,” Matt had said after they both settled down under the blanket._

_Josh froze, nervous yet again despite having just had the younger man’s cock in his mouth. He swallowed thickly, keeping a safe distance between them. Matt didn’t seem to want the same thing though, his hand sliding closer to Josh’s so their fingers touched. That just made Josh tense again though. Matt may have given him the choice to stay or go, to ask for what he wanted, but that could change._

_And why would Matt want to get to know him anyways? Josh was just a whore, selling himself on the street at least four nights a week, usually more so he could at least attempt to stay up to date on his bills. He knew he had been falling behind lately though. It had been getting colder and Josh didn’t usually stay out as long especially when it had started to snow like it had just before Matt’s friends had shown up._

_So why was Matt interested? No one else ever had been._

_“Why?” Josh finally let out. He had to know._

_Matt looked a little shocked though. He shuffled a bit on the bed, propping himself up on the pillows with one elbow bent to support his head, and looked down at Josh with a little frown. “You don’t have to tell me anything,” he answered slowly. “I just wanted to get to know you a little better.”_

_“But why?” Josh asked again. “Why would you want to know someone like me? All you need to know is that I sell my body to strangers, they use it, and I get paid. That’s it. End of story.”_

_“It’s not though,” Matt’s frown deepened. “Something had to make you start doing that. Someone? What exactly happened to make hooking become an option?”_

_Josh’s jaw clenched a bit at that, and he sat up to face Matt completely. “Look, you don’t know anything about me, and you don’t need to.”_

_“But what if I want to?”_

_The blond’s eyes widened just slightly in surprise. “But WHY would you want to?”_

_Matt sighed softly, dropping his head back down to the pillows for a moment, staring at the ceiling for a long minute until he sat up to and moved closer to the older man in front of him. Josh looked so lost to him, confused and scared and worried and… and Matt wanted to fix that, wanted to make Josh trust him._

_“Because I care about people. Probably too much, at least that’s what my mom is always telling me, but I care.”_

_“Are you trying to say that you care about me?” Josh asked skeptically. “Because you shouldn’t. Hell you just met me.”_

_Matt smirked a little at that. “True, I did just meet you, but I have already seen the way you flinch away from me sometimes, and I can only assume that’s from bad experiences before. I’ve heard the way you can laugh when you actually let yourself do it, felt your hands…your lips on my body. And I want to care about you.”_

_“That doesn’t even make sense,” Josh huffed, dropping his eyes down to his still blanket covered knees. Matt’s hand was right there, so close to him, and Josh actually wanted to do the reaching out this time. Wanted to tangle his fingers with Matt’s and feel the weight of someone else’s warmth against him. Matt’s warmth. It was fucking stupid of him to want it…but he did._

_“What doesn’t make sense, the fact that I want to care, or the fact that you’re capable of being cared for?”_

_Josh’s head snapped up at that. “Excuse me?”_

_Matt tilted his head, almost like a puppy, and smiled. He was completely unthreatened by Josh, and the blond didn’t really blame him. Josh was all skin and bones anyways. He had never had much fight, especially after it had all but been ripped away from him._

_“Josh,” Matt started softly. “Will you let me take care of you?”_

_“Take care of me? I can take care of myself. What happened to just caring? Not taking care of, but just caring? Not that I want either…just…just asking.”_

_“Caring includes the taking Josh,” Matt smirked again._

_“Taking what exactly?” Josh narrowed his eyes._

_Matt let his hand slip back into Josh’s, making the older man jump in surprise, but he also felt a shiver run up his spine._

_“I don’t want to take anything from you. Not like that. I’m not going to force you, or steal anything from you. But what if I gave you something?”_

_“Give me something? What is this sharing is caring?”_

_Matt laughed out loud then, his head tilting back, and Josh took in the wonderful sound of it. Yeah it was kind of goofy and Matt’s whole body shook for a few seconds, but Josh had done that. He had made the younger man laugh. He had never been able to do that before. Not that he had wanted to as he had been shoved down onto mattresses or up against walls or down onto his knees…but Matt made him want things. Things he shouldn’t want to have. And Matt hadn’t treated him like any other client ever had._

_He seemed so relaxed, not caring that Josh had been paid to spend the night with him, or that Josh had been paid to do, presumably, the same thing with countless other men. Matt just seemed…different. Kind. And that was actually getting under Josh’s skin. He shouldn’t let it, but he was afraid it had already slipped in, gotten under all the layers he had thrown up over the last few years, and somehow gotten a little deeper._

_“Red,” Josh said suddenly._

_Matt stopped laughing almost instantly, his eyes widening in surprise at the sudden and random statement, and stared at Josh for a moment._

_“Red?” he asked._

_Josh blushed, the flush colour rising in his cheeks, and tilted his head so his bangs would fall into his eyes. “Its…uh- it’s one of my favorite colours.”_

_“Oh,” Matt murmured._

_“Yeah…” Josh felt like an idiot. “Sorry, that was stupid, I shouldn’t have said-”_

_“No, no,” Matt rushed out. “It wasn’t stupid, I was just surprised. Red, huh?”_

_Josh could feel blush still heating his cheeks, but bit his lip and nodded. Usually he would never show that to anyone, the nerves that made him turn a bit red in the cheeks and caused his fingers to twitch. It had always made Josh feel vulnerable, like he was giving his clients some sort of power over him. He still felt fucking vulnerable, more so now that he had actually shared something that he didn’t have to, but it seemed different with the younger man. And Matt was just watching him expectantly, all big brown eyes and messily curled hair which was actually more wavy than anything else._

_“Why do you want to get to know me?” Josh finally asked._

_Matt frowned again. “Didn’t we just-”_

_“When I first got here, after you woke up, you said you could use the company. I know you already have friends, so…”_

_“Well,” the younger man slumped a bit. “To be honest, I’ve lost important people in my life, and I guess…I guess I like adding more. Keeping more people closer. Even if it means upping the risk, at least I won’t be alone again.”_

_“Oh,” Josh plucked determinedly at a piece of nonexistent lint on his pillow. “Makes sense.” He supposed he had misjudged Matt before. Not that he had gotten the rich boy thing wrong, but that Matt was just as empty as all the rich boys he had had to deal with in the past. Maybe Matt had a past of his own._

_“So tell me more favorites,” Matt hummed, changing the subject tactfully._

_“Uh,” Josh cleared his throat loudly. “Um…right...”_

_There was a long silence then, while Matt just waited patiently. Josh still wasn’t entirely sure why he felt safe with Matt, but it was a feeling he had never had with most anyone but family before. And it made a bit more of those walls crumble. Josh knew he would regret it, but hell, he would never see Matt again after this night was done, so…what could it hurt?_

_“I love animals,” he blurted._

_Matt nodded, smiling once again._

_Josh smiled slightly too, but dropped his eyes back down to the bed covers as he continued. “Like cats and dogs, you know? I’ve always wanted like a Labrador or something and a couple of cats. My apartment doesn’t allow them though, and honestly they’re expensive little fuckers. But, uh, right, I like Coke Zero, and I like wearing sweatpants to bed ‘cause they’re so warm, and I like clothes in general. Like, going out shopping for clothes and trying everything on even though I know I could never buy a single thing in the store unless I had a good night just before. And I like junk food, and I love music. I used to play a lot as a kid, instruments and all that, but I haven’t since…uh, since… And cheesy movies ‘cause I like laughing at the stupid parts, and…”_

_The blond stopped, feeling the bed shift as Matt moved closer. His eyes darted up, expecting Matt to tell him to shut up now or kick him out entirely, but the younger man still had that stupid smile plastered to his face. And then Matt was reaching up and running his thumb along Josh’s cheekbone again._

_“You really are perfect you know that?”_

_Josh’s eyes widened and he felt frozen for a moment before he jerked back and knocked Matt’s hand away. “Nothing about me is perfect.”_

_Matt just moved closer though, laying his hand on Josh’s hip this time, fingers digging in lightly, not roughly, but enough. And the blond felt disconnected. This he knew how to do, knew how to respond to touches like that, to men that wanted nothing more. Sure he had never had a John that complimented him first, no matter how stupid and outrageous the compliment, but he should have known Matt would have eventually taken it there. So Josh forced his body to relax, lying back on the pillows and staring at the ceiling as Matt’s hand pressed a little more firmly against him._

_The younger man stopped for a moment though, taking in the change of Josh’s expression, his body language, everything about him had shifted. It was just like before, when Matt had just woken up and Josh had gone completely lax beneath him. Matt frowned, leaning over the blond a bit to see his eyes._

_“Where did you go?” he asked softly, seeing the distant look in those blue eyes._

_“Nowhere,” Josh murmured back. “Right here.”_

_Matt stared at him for a long moment before laying himself down as well. Josh tensed as the younger man’s arms wound around him, but Matt didn’t try to push him into position, didn’t try to spread his legs and get between them. All Matt did was pull him in close to his own body and hold on._

_“Will you let me?”_

_Josh felt so fucking stupid for having let Matt in like he had, telling him all those things even though they were simple and unimportant. But he nodded. “You can do whatever you want.”_

_“No,” Matt whispered. “Will you let me take care of you?”_

_That jolted into Josh, pulling him back again. He felt like a damn yo-yo. “Take care of me?”_

_“Yeah,” Matt nodded. His lips only brushed Josh’s shoulder lightly, before Matt tucked his chin where his mouth had been. “No sex, nothing physical if that makes this easier for you, just me holding on and looking after you.”_

_“Looking after me?” Josh felt even more idiotic, just repeating what Matt was saying to him. But the younger man smiled._

_“Yeah. Will you let me take care of you?”_

_There was a long silence between them as Josh stared at the younger man beside him, big brown eyes staring right back. He still couldn’t really understand why someone…anyone would want to do anything but fuck him, but Josh found himself being more and more drawn to Matt the longer he looked at him. And he didn’t understand that either, wanting to stay, wanting to actually give in to Matt. Usually Josh kept himself so far away from all of this, from all of the abuse he allowed his body to take. He would usually be anywhere but here, anywhere but right there in that moment…But with Matt, he wanted to comeback. He wanted to stay right where he was and maybe get a little closer. Maybe…fuck, maybe he really did want Matt to take care of him._

_“Just…just for tonight?” Josh finally asked, his voice barely a whisper._

_Matt’s eyes sparked with surprise and his lips curled with a smile. “Tonight if that’s all you’ll give me.”_

_Josh didn’t let himself think about what that answer could mean, and just nodded. Matt smiled wider and Josh just let himself be held tighter by the younger man. And maybe he curled in closer too. Maybe._

Josh slipped carefully out of the bed, Matt’s arms sliding away from his waist, and he felt the loss. It was much colder out from under the covers, out from under Matt’s hold, but Josh knew he couldn’t stay any longer. Shouldn’t stay.

He made quick work of pulling his clothes on, having to go to the bathroom to find the pants he had discarded when he and Matt shared their shower. When he got to his coat though, Josh slowed down. He could feel the hard edges of the folded money in his hidden pocket. A thousand dollars. A thousand dollars and Matt hadn’t even used him. Not really. Josh had wanted to taste him, but Matt never asked for more. And Josh knew he didn’t deserve the amount of money he had in his little inside pocket.

Pulling the coat over his shoulders, Josh tugged open the little pocket and brought out the money Mike and Ian had given him. Big Man and Curly. Josh still couldn’t quite fathom that he had spent the night, but he knew he couldn’t keep the money even after that. At least not all of it. Matt had given him far more than Josh could have ever asked for. A hot shower, a warm bed. A fucking choice.

Josh thumbed through the bills and pulled out only a little more than his usual charge, and then moved over to Matt’s little pile of clothes. He rummaged around for a moment, searching until he found what he was looking for, and tucked the extra bills into Matt’s wallet. It was the least he could do.

The most would be to stay, but…

Josh stood up fast, tugging harshly on the lapels of his coat so it was tight around his body and went to the door. But he couldn’t quite open it yet. And he had to fight the urge to look over his shoulder at the still sleeping form on the bed. All he wanted was to just go back and kiss him, crawl back into the bed and curl up against Matt’s chest again, but Josh knew that if he allowed himself to do so, Matt would wake up and somehow convince him to stay. Because Josh wanted to stay.

And that was all he needed to hear in his own mind to pull the door open and walk away.

He could never want a client like that, could never let himself want that. It wasn’t safe. Not for him and certainly not for Matt. So Josh just kept on walking, right out the front door of the hotel and down the busy uptown street until his feet were sore and he was back at his own torn down apartment complex.

He would never see Matt again. He would be sure of it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wasn’t sure why he was feeling so upset about the thought of the younger man waking up alone and discovering that Josh had slipped out of his hotel room unnoticed.

“Josh!” a voice called as soon as the blond pulled the door to his apartment open.

He turned, blue eyes searching, and found Brett rushing towards him. Josh sighed slightly, but stepped back out into the hallway. He left his door open though, unsure of what Brett wanted from him. Usually the landlord wouldn’t say it, but it was money. Josh knew he was still behind on his rent. Had been for months. But this time when the landlord got close enough, he lightly grabbed at Josh’s arms, turning him left and right and looking him up and down with worry. Josh’s own eyes went wide.

“Brett,” he burst out, “what the hell?”

The older man slumped slightly when he was finished tugging Josh around, and his hands slipped away from the taller man’s arms. He looked relieved.

“What the hell is the matter?” Josh tried again when the brunette just took a few heavy breaths and paced around in a circle for a moment. “Brett?”

The man finally stopped and eyed Josh accusingly. “I was fucking worried, man!”

Josh took a step back. Brett had never raised his voice at him like that, even if the man was seemingly professing concern. “What?”

Brett threw his hands up before letting them slap back down at his sides and then lifting them to rest heavily on his hips. “You were gone all night! You’ve always come back Josh!”

“What…uh, what is this-”

“I thought you were hurt or something!” Brett practically exploded. “You could have been dead for all I knew! I mean, yeah, I know you don’t really give a shit about me, man, but I care about you! You’re my fucking friend, or at least I want to think you are. I always wait for you to get back, you know? I wait to see if you come home at night after going out. And you always do. But not last night. You didn’t come home last night. And I was fucking _scared_ man!”

Josh stood still as a statue. His eyes were still wide with shock at the way his landlord had greeted him, but he knew they would be growing wider if they could as the man just continued to surprise him. Or shock him really. He had never thought Brett could act like this.

“I…” he started when Brett had finally stopped yelling to suck in heavy breaths once again. “I didn’t know…”

Brett sighed and nodded almost sarcastically. “I know you didn’t know. I’m a fucking creep, waiting up for my friend to get home when he doesn’t even know I do it. But I just- fuck man, I care about you okay? You’ve lived here for two fucking years and you’re the only normal tenant I have, or at the very least the only one that actually responds when I start a conversation. And I started worrying about you before I even knew what you, uh, _do_ for a living. I-”

Josh sucked in a quick breath and bit down on his lip, throwing his gaze to the floor. He knew Brett was aware, knew it every time the man gave him that look of pity when he paid for more back rent. But Brett had never brought it up like this. Fuck, was everyone just trying to surprise the hell out of him?

“I’m sorry,” Brett continued. His voice was softer though, and Josh looked back up at him. “I- I didn’t mean to get so worked up. I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t know I would be out all night,” Josh finally finished what he had tried to say earlier.

Brett’s jaw went slack for a split second. “Oh. Uh…”

“And it’s not that I don’t care about you, Brett. I mean, fuck, you’re like one of two people I actually _do_ consider a friend.”

“Wait,” Brett looked dumbstruck. “What?”

Josh winced and leaned back against the door frame of his apartment entrance. He wasn’t used to this. Wasn’t used to talking or being talked to really. But Brett was right here telling Josh how worried he had been,

“Look,” he sighed. “I know you care. I don’t fucking know why cause I’m just a piece of shit anyways, but I know you do. So…it’s fine. Okay? I just didn’t know I would be out.”

Brett stared at Josh for a long moment, his eyes flicking back and forth between Josh’s. “I know you have it rough sometimes Josh-”

“Most times,” the blond cut in without meaning to.

Brett winced, but kept talking. “I know you have it rough sometimes, but, man, so often I see you coming in here limping and hurt and so fucking down on yourself, and I just… Fuck I feel like I’ve aged ten years since I met you.”

Josh opened his mouth to protest, but Brett waved a hand at him.

“I can see how this shit weighs on you Josh, and I know I don’t have to take care of that for you, I know that you won’t even let me. But I at least want to do what little I can. And if that means giving you more time to pay rent, or looking out my window every five minutes to see if you’re walking in the front door, I’m going to do it. You aren’t a piece of shit. I wouldn’t care about you if you were. Which is why I worry so much, man, you’re more than you give yourself credit for.”

“I’m really not,” Josh mumbled.

“Hey,” Brett said softly. When Josh didn’t respond he said it again. “Hey, look at me.”

Josh did, his eyes lifting once again after having darted away. And he waited.

Brett sighed and ran a hand through his already messy hair. “I like you okay?”

He blond’s eyes widened and he stood up straight. “Brett, I don’t think-”

The landlord’s face screwed up. “No! Shut up! Not like that.”

“Then what-”

“I meant that I like you as a fucking person, man. I have a girlfriend, so you don’t have to worry about anything like that. I just mean that you really are a good guy even if you don’t think you are. Yeah, you’re back on rent, but that doesn’t matter to me as much as your safety does. I’m not kidding about you being a friend. I just…I want you to be as safe as possible.”

Josh shuffled his feet for a moment, not entirely sure how to process all of this stuff that Brett was throwing at him. “I, um…thanks,” he said finally.

The brunette sighed heavily then. “Yeah. Fine, dude. You’re welcome. I guess I’ll just go back to my creep perch okay? I’m glad you’re alright after being out.”

Josh could hear something akin to hurt in the man’s voice. Hell he could practically feel it. He jolted slightly and let his fingers curl around the retreating man’s arm. Brett stopped and looked back at him.

“Really,” Josh spoke seriously. “Thank you. For worrying. For everything. No one’s done that in a long time.”

Brett’s shoulders relaxed and Josh realized how tense the man had really been.

“You’re doing better today than you usually do,” he murmured. “You really must have been alright last night.”

Josh blushed and nodded. “I… I was, yeah.”

Brett smiled and nodded too, not saying anything else as Josh dropped his hand and he was able to able down the hallway and out of sight with les of a weight on his shoulders. Josh turned to enter his apartment as he had earlier and shut the door behind him. Slumping against the ratty arm of his couch though, he sighed dejectedly.

Yeah, he was doing better today, but Josh knew that it wouldn’t last. He would have to go back out in a day or two at least. He knew there were bills lying on his kitchen counter waiting to be opened. He knew that he would never get out of this hell of a life. And he knew he would never see Matt again.

“Fuck,” Josh breathed.

He wasn’t sure why he was feeling so upset about the thought of the younger man waking up alone and discovering that Josh had slipped out of his hotel room unnoticed. And he sure as hell wasn’t sure why he _still_ wanted to go back. He couldn’t. He fucking wouldn’t.

Josh groaned and got up only to make his way to his bedroom and flump down on the mattress. It felt lumpy compared to the bed he had been able to use the night before. And it made him grumpy that he couldn’t get comfortable after several minutes of rolling around. And it didn’t help that he couldn’t quite get the memories associated with that damn bed and hotel room out of his mind.

“When did I revert back to a fucking teenager?” he wondered aloud to the empty room.

Scrubbing his hands over his face, Josh rolled onto his side and curled up. He could do the paying of the bills later, because in that moment he didn’t want to do anything that involved his own life. Instead, he closed his eyes and fell into a fitful sleep.

*          *          *

Matt started down at the coffee in his hand, the brown liquid cold at that point, and swirled it around. He had only taken one sip of the stuff when it was hot before letting it go bad. The taste of it had been too bitter for him. Too much like how he was already feeling.

He knew in the back of his mind that he shouldn’t really have expected Josh to be there when he woke up, but he had still been disappointed when he had only had a pillow in his arms instead of the gorgeous man he had fallen asleep with. And he wasn’t even sure how to feel about the money he had found in his wallet when he went to pay the barista. There had been at least six hundred dollars more than when he had last checked, and the only possible reason was that Josh had put the money there. He had put it there when he left.

Matt frowned, tightening his hand around the paper cup and watching the liquid inside rise closer to the edges that bent out. So, maybe he was a little more than bitter. He was flat out upset. He had genuinely hoped that Josh would stay with him, at the very least until they were both awake and could say good bye. But the man had just up and left.

“He probably didn’t want to be with me anyways. He was fucking paid after all,” Matt mumbled angrily to himself.

 _But then why did he leave the money?_ Matt thought.

Sighing, Matt forced his eyes away from the coffee cup and ran a hand through his hair. He was a mess and he knew it, and it was all over one man that had been with him for less than a single day, and he had practically been forced into it anyways. He should just let it go.

But he couldn’t. Hell, he wouldn’t.

Gritting his teeth, Matt shoved back out of his chair and threw his coffee in the nearest trash can as he left the shop. He had to find Mike and Ian. And then he had to find Josh.

Matt headed right for the hotel again, crossing a few streets and speed walking his way through the front doors. He only had to wait maybe a minute for the elevators to come down before he was also on his way up to his hotel room.

He pulled his cell phone out of his back pocket as he walked and scrolled through his contacts. Pressing down on the one he wanted, Matt put the phone between his shoulder and his ear so he could open the door to his room as he arrived.

“ _Did you have a good night?_ ” Ian asked immediately.

“Get your asses over here,” Matt spoke gruffly as he gathered up the few belongings he had left in the room and tucked them under his arm.

“ _What’s wrong? Did something happen?”_

Matt scoffed. “Just get over here, dude. I need to talk to you and Ayley.”

“ _Alright, alright, I’m leaving now. I’ll get Mike and we’ll be there in ten minutes.”_

“I’ll wait out front,” Matt told him before hanging up and shoving his phone into his pocket once again. He spun around to take one last look at the room, and his eyes stopped briefly at the bed where he had woken up so confused and, quite frankly, grumpy. But then he was looking away and moving towards the door once again, pocketing the key for the room as well so he could turn it in to the front desk on his way out.

Maybe he was being irrational. He had only met Josh last night after all, and the man was a fucking prostitute, but Matt wasn’t focused on that. He was more focused on the fact that he couldn’t get the guy out of his head. All he could see was blond hair, blue eyes, pale and perfect skin, and the damn blush that kept hitting Josh’s cheeks. The man had been so prepared for Matt to just use him. To fucking hurt him by the way he would curl away from him and flinch. Matt had seen the fear in him before Josh was able to mask it and just…slip away into that weird resigned place.

All Matt could think about was finding Josh.

What he would do after he found the man, Matt wasn’t sure. But as Matt skipped down the stairs instead of taking the elevator, Matt knew he wouldn’t feel right until he did. So he went a little quicker going down the stairs and nearly gave a bellboy a heart attack as he burst through the stairwell door.

“Sorry,” he panted slightly, but kept on walking.

And then he was slapping the key down at the front desk and continuing on out the front doors of the hotel so he could wait by the curb for his friends. He kept his toes as close to the edge of the cement as he could as he kept an eye out, and as he saw Ian pulling up, Matt rushed out to meet the two men before they had even stopped and leapt into the back seat.

“Dude what the hell?” Mike yelped.

“Are you okay?” Ian chipped in.

Matt threw his bundle of stuff onto the seat beside him and buckled himself in. “Just fucking drive,” he growled.

“What the fuck is the matter?” Ian demanded though he did as he was told and merged back into the Vancouver traffic.

Matt crossed his arms over his chest as Mike twisted around to stare at him and Ian kept glancing at him in the rearview mirror. “We need to talk about the man you bought me.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Alright,” Matt sighed, looking up and down the road to find street signs and memorize their names. “Alright, yeah, I’ll just come back tonight and see if he really does come back.”

“What do you mean?” Ian asked.

“I mean exactly what I said, dude,” Matt huffed. “I want you to take me to where you found Josh last night.”

“You want to go to where we bought you the hooker?” Mike tried to clarify. He looked just as confused as Ian did and it was making Matt get even more worked up than he had been when he first jumped into the back seat of Ian’s car.

“Exactly,” Matt clipped.

“Don’t you have a meeting with the record label today?” Ian asked, his eyes still on the road as he took a left turn onto an even busier street than they had been on before.

Matt nodded, but shrugged at the same time. “Doesn’t matter right now. All I’m asking is for you to show me where he was, okay?”

“But why?” Mike asked.

Matt leaned forward a bit, his face hardening into a steely glare. “Why did you buy me a fucking human being for the night? The hotel wasn’t enough so you got me a man too?”

Mike’s eyes shifted around guiltily before he sat forward once again in his seat while Ian just gave a half shrug.

“We thought it would be funny, dude,” he answered. “And you needed the lay anyways. You’re always so tense, and he was perfect for you. Don’t tell us he wasn’t. Mike knew it the second he saw the guy, and so did I when he showed him to me last night.”

Matt was silent for a minute, just breathing in and out before shoving back against his own seat and crossing his arms. “Whatever,” he finally said. “Just take me to where you found him.”

Ian sighed, the sound loud in the confines of the car. But he put on his blinker again and took another turn. It wasn’t long before they were pulling up to the side of a curb and Ian was putting the car in park. He turned off the engine and sat still for a moment before pulling the keys out of the ignition and waving a hand to gesture out in front of the windshield.

“Ta-da,” he said lamely.

Matt scrambled for the door handle and was out of the car in a second, the sounds of Mike and Ian following after him hitting his ears as he took a few steps. His feet hit the ground with a crunch in the light layer of snow, but he ignored the slick ice to turn in slow circles. The place looked deserted.

“Are you sure this is where you picked him up?” Matt asked almost breathlessly.

Mike nodded while Ian shrugged noncommittally. Matt was pacing up and down the street corner, looking left and right and even glancing up to see if he could find what he was looking for on the fire escapes surrounding them. But there was nothing there. He spun on his booted heels and faced his two friends.

“Positive?”

Ian groaned throatily, exaggerating the sound, and threw his hands up. “Yes, dude! This is the place. We were here just last night, okay?”

Matt sighed. “Well, he’s obviously not here now.”

“It is broad daylight,” Ian deadpanned.

“Or maybe he’s with another guy, Matt,” Mike suggested easily.

“Yeah,” Ian assented. “The guy was just a one night fuck anyways. Why are you so invested in finding him again? Was he that good?”

Matt lashed out before he could even think about it, his palms hitting Ian’s chest and shoving the man back two steps. “Shut your fucking mouth!”

“Hey! HEY!” Mike instantly jumped between the two men when Ian came back at Matt with a slur of curse words and heavy breath. “Knock it the fuck off!”

“I didn’t even start the shit,” Ian complained, backing off. He knew he couldn’t best Mike, the guy was usually all fluff, but when he needed to be he was all the muscle he looked to have.

“The hell you didn’t!” Matt yelled at the curly headed man.

Ian whirled around yet again after having walked a few feet away. “The guy’s a prostitute Matt! He does this for a living. We bought him; you fucked him. End of story! Now let it go, dude!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Matt objected.

“Dude,” Mike breathed, still trying to calm his friends down. “Ian’s right.”

“What?” Matt squawked.

Mike held his hands up but started talking fast. “We bought the guy, man! He was hooking anyways. If we didn’t buy him, someone else would have, and he would have taken their money too. He’s a pro, dude. Why the hell would you want to find him again?”

“Because I didn’t fuck him,” Matt tried to speak evenly but even he could hear the tremor to his words.

Both of his friends turned wide eyes to him.

“What?” Ian asked after a long, heavy silence.

Matt grunted, the sound loud and guttural, and threw his hands out to his sides. “I said I didn’t fuck him!” he shouted. And then he deflated, his arms flopping back down to his sides, his hands almost feeling numb with the gusts of cold Vancouver wind hitting them all at once. It was starting to snow again, little tiny flakes landing on Matt’s heated cheeks.

Ian’s face scrunched up in confusion. “Then what the hell happened last night?”

“You keep saying he was perfect,” Matt breathed, “but did you even see him?”

“What?” Mike asked confused. His hands were shoved in his pockets to protect from the cold, but he didn’t show any other sign of being affected by the snow.

Not like Josh probably would.

Matt ran a hand through his hair, his fingers catching at tangles and tugging painfully at his roots. But he didn’t care.

“He was terrified,” he explained. “He didn’t show it, really, but I could tell. Didn’t try to fight me when I thought he was some kind of intruder and had him pinned.”

Mike and Ian shared a shifted glance, their teeth showing in matching grimaces. But Matt continued.

“Any time I got the upper hand on him, he just…gave up. He thought he was going to get hurt, and he moved like he already was. He even had bruises on him already.”

“Maybe… Maybe he just likes it rough, man,” Mike suggested softly.

Matt shook his head, frustration still boiling underneath his skin. “No. No, man, he flinched away from me. Acted like I would hit him. Acted like he just… expected it. And that’s why I want to find him. Fuck.”

Ian took a few steps forward, his breath showing in little wispy clouds around his mouth, and shook his head. “What do you mean?”

“He flinched at first,” Matt sighed. “But I got him to stop. I got him to… trust me. And he let me in because of it.”

Mike made a vague face of distaste and Matt scoffed.

“Not like that, you shit head!”

The bigger man looked relieved, but still confused.

Matt set his hands on his hips and let out a heavy breath. “Look, you both know, _you know_ , why I get attached to people. And …I don’t just want to let Josh walk away like he did. I got to know him enough that I just can’t do that.”

The two men facing Matt were quiet for a long time, long enough that Matt was starting to shiver, but he didn’t move. And it was Ian that moved first, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Fine,” he consented, “so you like the guy. Still doesn’t change the fact that he’s not here.”

Matt’s shoulders slumped. “Yeah… I hadn’t thought this all through I guess.”

“No you didn’t,” Ian snuffled haughtily.

“But,” Mike finally piped up, “maybe he’ll be back tonight.”

“You think?” Matt asked hopefully.

Mike shrugged, his head bobbing from side to side. “I mean, he’s gotta come back sometime right? It’s his job.”

Matt winced, but nodded. “Okay… Right. Yeah. You’re right. I’ll just come back tonight. What time did you two find him?”

“At, like, ten?” Mike rubbed at the back of his neck and looked to Ian, who nodded.

“Alright,” Matt sighed, looking up and down the road to find street signs and memorize their names. “Alright, yeah, I’ll just come back tonight and see if he really does come back.”

Mike nodded gratefully. “Alright then! Can we go now?”

Matt threw the guy an annoyed face but nodded. “Yeah, you’re probably freezing your balls off aren’t you?”

“Let’s not talk about it,” Mike said in a tight voice.

The younger man laughed, but the sound choked off as Ian brushed passed. Matt caught his arm. “Hey.”

Ian stopped, his features still tight, and looked right at Matt’s face. “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry about shoving you, man,” Matt spoke softly. “I’m… I’m just really worked up about this guy. You know?”

Ian stared at him for a long second before his face softened by a degree. “You’re an idiot.”

Matt winced and let his hand drop from the older man’s bicep. “True.”

“But I love you,” Ian continued. “Even if you are like an annoying little brother.”

Matt’s eyes snapped up to meet Ian’s. “I love you too man, I really am sorry about pushing you.”

Ian scoffed but reached out to pull Matt into a loose head lock. “Yeah, whatever kid. Let’s just get out of the fucking cold.”

“Deal,” Matt huffed as he struggled lightly against the older man’s hold but let himself be led back to the car.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What..." the blond breathed. "What are you doing here?"

Josh had a hard time pulling himself out of bed that evening. His sleep had been restless and he was still tired after having slept a good night with Matt and he was prepared to just stay curled up on his little hovel of a mattress and let everything else stay ten feet away.

But he knew he couldn’t.

He had only taken two hundred dollars from Matt’s friends, and he knew that wasn’t going to be enough to change all the red ink in his book to black.

He had to go back out.

Sighing, he rolled off the bed and stood up. He pulled off the jacket first, reaching into the little pocket and pulling out the money he had hidden there to put it with the rest of his collection. And then he went about taking the rest of his clothes off and putting clean ones on.

Josh picked out regular black skinny jeans and a long sleeved shirt to match. He pulled the items on, deliberately leaving out the briefs like he would have wanted to include, and reached into the farther recesses of his closet for a thicker jacket to compensate for how cold he would be underneath. The thing was black like his jeans, but was lined with a soft faux fur that gave him a little extra heat. The hidden pocket on this particular jacket was a little harder to reach because of that fur lining, but Josh didn’t mind as long as he didn’t freeze to death.

He left the jacket on the bed while he went to the bathroom though, and went through the routine. Brush teeth. Comb hair. Take a piss. Rinse face. Fix eyeliner. Put on deodorant.

It wasn’t long before he was back in his little bedroom and sitting on the edge of his bed to pull on his black socks. He wasn’t going for a very bright look tonight, but Josh didn’t feel very bright anyways. Well, he never did really, but he felt even more melancholy after the night he had spent with Matt.

Matt had been so different. So kind.

Josh didn’t know how to deal with that, but he hoped ignoring the memories would do the trick. So he tugged his shoes on next, the ones that had silver studded straps crisscrossing along the top, and then stood to pull his coat on. The thing came down to mid-thigh and had sleeves long enough for Josh to tuck his hands into if he wanted, but he also pulled out a pair of gloves to take with him. At least those were silver to match the shoes while the rest of his outfit was all black.

He hoped whatever John he picked up wouldn’t mind the funeral-esque look.

Josh shrugged and pocketed a couple of condoms before heading for the door and stopping to pick up his keys and wallet.

Next stop: street corner.

“Yay,” Josh hummed.

His tone was flat.

As he was leaving the apartment complex, his shoes slapping softly against the stairs, Josh slowed down and looked guiltily at Brett’s door. Sighing, he went back up the few steps he had descended and knocked. There was a rustling from the other side, and Josh waited.

“I told you I don’t want any of your geraniums Mrs. Hermin,” Brett shouted through the door.

Josh smirked and knocked again. There was an audible grunt from his landlord, and then the locks on the door were unlatching.

“Mrs. Hermin,” he started.

“Isn’t here,” Josh finished.

Brett’s eyes widened as he opened the door fully. “Oh! Josh… Sorry. She’s been coming over all day asking if I want those damn flowers, and I keep telling her no.”

“Maybe if you said yes, she would leave you alone,” Josh suggested.

“Not likely,” Brett huffed. “Old bat always comes over here trying to give me stuff.”

Josh smiled wearily. “Perhaps she just wants company.”

Brett was silent for a moment, looking Josh up and down. “Speaking of company… you’re going out.”

“I am.”

The landlord looked strained, but didn’t try to tell Josh not to go. “Did you want to tell me something before you went?”

“Just that I was going,” Josh hedged.

Brett’s lips slowly curled into a smile, though it was a sad one. “This is because our talk earlier isn’t it?”

Josh didn’t say anything, just playing with the hem of his glove.

“Thank you,” Brett murmured. “I’ll keep an eye out for when you get back.”

“Okay,” Josh nodded and turned away from the other man.

As he was leaving he heard another door open and Brett’s voice ringing out. It seemed a bit happier. “Hi Mrs. Hermin. Do you still have those geraniums?”

Josh smiled.

When he was out on the sidewalk, he curled his arms around himself and started walking. It usually took him twenty minutes to get to his corner, but with every step Josh took it made a crunch in the snow and he took his time. When he had been younger he would always walk backwards in the snow and watch as he left footprints. He didn’t now because he was a grown ass man but… he felt a twinge in his chest at the memory of being young enough to only care about the footprints he left behind. It was the same age he had thought it was cool to pretend he was smoking with imaginary cigarettes because of the plumes of wispy breath that came out of his mouth in clouds. Now he smoked real cigarettes and he had to worry about so much more.

And one of those worries was rolling up beside him as he finally turned towards the street he usually hooked on.

The car was moving slowly and followed Josh until he turned and stopped. The car stopped too and he waited until the window rolled down before he moved closer. He bent at the waist and leaned in towards the window.

“Hey baby,” he cooed. “Can I help you with something?”

The man behind the steering wheel looked to be in his forties and his face wrinkled a bit. His eyes were dark brown, and his matching dark hair was graying at the temples, but Josh had to admit he wasn’t a terrible John. At least the guy had hair on his head. His suit told Josh the guy was probably a lawyer or some office worker. Josh figured he could ask for three hundred. When the guy smiled though, Josh hesitated. The guy didn’t have a smile that matched his looks. It was meaner.

“Depends,” the guy finally answered. “How long can I keep you?”

Josh forced a smile of his own. “I usually charge just for one go baby.”

“That’s all?” the guy asked, looking a bit disappointed.

Josh nodded and risked reaching into the car to run his finger along the guy’s collar. “Maybe we could work something out though. Just for you.”

The John seemed pleased. “Yeah?”

“Mhm,” Josh hummed. “But don’t you wanna know price?”

“I have plenty of money.”

Josh was still wary of the guy, but winked at him anyways. “How about three fifty?”

The smile the man gave then made Josh’s skin crawl. “Perfect.”

“Perfect,” Josh echoed as he heard the electronic click of the car doors unlocking.

“Come on then,” the man said with the tilt of head.

Josh noticed the way his hands tightened around the steering wheel, but walked around to the other side of the car anyways. Some Johns got more excited than others, he knew. But he would still be careful with this one.

He slid into the passenger seat and closed the door behind him, pulling the seatbelt across his chest and buckling in. The John continued to smile as he rolled his window back up and put the car in gear.

“So where are we going?” Josh asked, keeping his voice rather breathy.

The John looked sideways at him as he started driving. “I booked a room at a motel, if that’s alright.”

Josh knew the guy was only playing nice. Guys like him were always the mean ones. But he nodded. “Sounds good baby.”

“What sounds better is giving you a good spanking for calling me baby,” the man hummed.

Josh closed his eyes for a long moment before looking out the window again. His heart jumped when he thought he saw Matt walking along the sidewalk. He sucked in a breath though, knowing he had to be wrong, and looked at the John.

“What would you prefer I call you?”

The man smiled that mean smile again. “How about daddy?”

Josh smiled too, but felt his stomach twist. They were all the same weren’t they?

Well. Except for Matt.

Josh couldn’t get the image of the man out of his mind, and having seen someone on the street that looked like him didn’t help. He had probably been seeing things really. Remembering the night he had spent with the man. But he focused on the guy he was currently with and let his gloved hand land on the man’s knee before sliding in in towards his groin.

“Daddy it is,” he purred.

“Good boy,” the John responded as they turned a corner and started down a new street. “But I’ll still give you that spanking.”

“Alright, will there be more to my punishment daddy?”

“Are you looking forward to it?”

“If you want me to,” Josh breathed as he pressed his hand in and felt the hard length of the John’s cock. He leaned in, rubbing at the man through his suit, and breathed against his ear. “I’ll look forward to anything you give me daddy.”

The man lifted his hips into Josh’s touch and laughed softly. “Damn right you will,” he groaned. “If you take my spanking well enough, maybe I’ll let you ride daddy’s cock. How does that sound?”

Josh felt sick.

“So good daddy,” he said anyways.

The man groaned again as Josh pressed the heel of his hand in harder against the John’s cock. He turned to smile at the blond as they stopped for a light.

“Eager little slut aren’t you?” he asked.

Josh nodded and looked at the man from under his eyelashes as he bit his lip. The John noticed the movement of his mouth and licked his own lips.

“How about you start now, then?”

“What do you want me to do?”

The John reached out and grabbed at the back of Josh’s neck before pushing his face down into his crotch. Josh grunted slightly at the change of position and the bite of the seatbelt against his shoulder.

The John didn’t let up on the pressure against Josh’s neck when he tried to adjust himself more comfortably. “I want you to suck my cock, sweetheart. And make it good.”

Josh squeezed his eyes shut. “Yes daddy.”

And then he was reaching for the man’s belt to undo it and get to work. Josh couldn’t help himself if he was only able to motivate himself with the thoughts of how good Matt had tasted when he sucked him off the night before.

*          *          *

Matt sighed, looking up and down the street Mike and Ian had shown him before. Just as he had arrived, walking down the sidewalk, a car had driven passed. Matt had thought he might have seen a flash of blond hair through the front window, but the side windows were blacked out.

He hoped it hadn’t really been Josh in that car, but in the short amount of time Matt had been pacing up and down the street, he had already been propositioned for a fuck by three men, and one of them had simply asked a price.

Matt didn’t know how Josh did it, really, dealing with so many strangers wanting to use him like that. It didn’t make sense in Matt’s mind when all he had ever wanted was long term. His ideals had scared away a few boyfriends, and even a girlfriend, but Matt didn’t like just using someone for their body.

Not after he had lost so much.

He stayed on the street for at least an hour before he went to wait in his car with the safety and warmth the vehicle offered. Even then he waited another hour and figured that Josh either wasn’t going to show up, or he had really already been taken off by another customer.

The thought of it made Matt’s stomach twist with pain and a bit of disgust on the buyer’s part. But he couldn’t really do anything about it. He figured though that he could come back the next night.

Maybe earlier.

But in any case, he wouldn’t stop trying until he was forced out of the country by the record, and even then he promised himself that he would start trying again when he got back.

Nodding to himself, Matt started his car up and eased out onto the empty street.

He didn’t see the headlights that turned onto the street just as he turned off it.

*          *          *

“What are we doing here?” Mike asked.

Matt let his eyes slide over to the older man, a huff of breath leaving his lungs in exasperation. It had been weeks, _weeks_ since he had seen Josh. And Matt was starting to worry.

He went to the corner Mike and Ian had shown him every night, but he never seemed to have any luck. He thought it would be easier to spot a six foot something guy with blond and blue hair, but Matt had been wrong and he wasn’t about to as the guys that seemed to shark the location for something more than a hello.

It still bothered the brunette how often he was asked for a price even when he was simply sitting in his car. Other vehicles had often sidled up beside his own, the windows rolling down and the drivers waiting expectantly for Matt to do the same. And in the beginning he had, but after enough requests for back alley blow jobs, he had stopped even looking at the cars that stopped next to his own.

He just hoped Josh was never in one of those cars.

“We’re waiting,” Matt finally answered.

“For how long?”

“As long as it takes.”

“Obviously,” Mike grumbled.

Matt scowled. “Don’t act like you had no part in this. You were the one who brought him to me in the first place, and you know I can’t just let stuff like this drop.”

The tension in Mike’s shoulders seemed to ease off and wind up at the same time. “Look just because you lost- -”

“Don’t,” Matt cut in quickly. His voice was firm. “Don’t talk about that.”

“Matt,” the older man breathed. “It’s been years. You have to at least talk about it some time.”

Matt shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t want to.”

“Maybe it would help,” Mike offered.

“What would help is if you would shut up and keep an eye out for Josh.”

There was a long silence until Mike simply sighed and twisted in his seat to look out his window. Matt glanced over at the guy, feeling a pang of guilt in his chest for being so rude, and another when he caught sight of the plume of air that came out of Mike’s mouth due to the cold air. The snow had only gotten worse in the last few weeks. He turned the engine over to start the car and flicked the heater on before settling back down and looking out his own window.

“I miss him still,” he mumbled quietly. “I miss them.”

Mike turned to look at him, but Matt wouldn’t look back. “I know,” he said back.

“It’s not just something- - I can’t just get over it in a few years,” Matt continued.

Mike nodded. “I wasn’t saying you had to, man. Just that it might help to actually open up about it. None of us ever really know how you’re feeling. Or we didn’t, until all this shit started happening.”

Matt glanced down at his lap, twisting his fingers there when he felt another edge of guilt pinching under his skin.

“We were all so damn excited about this music deal, and that was the first time we really saw you happy again. So we went with it. We wanted to keep it going, ya know? Wanted to keep you happy. So we thought maybe if you had someone to… be with for a night again…”

“What? That it might fix me?” Matt asked. The words could have been a sneer, but they came out rather softly instead.

“No,” Mike shook his head. “Just… help.”

Matt sighed, lifting his eyes when a flash of headlights passed by. “I know I’ve been difficult sometimes- -”

“Difficult?” Mike asked, turning to look at the younger boy. “You really think you’ve been difficult?”

“Well what else have I been?” Matt asked sharply.

“Nothing, dude,” Mike raised his arms and dropped them back down in exasperation. “There was a time when you were nothing. You didn’t get out of bed for months and then when you finally did you did your damn best to stay out of everybody’s way and everybody’s lives. But then it changed. You were starting to be you again. You were starting to write music and get your name out there. You were doing great. You are doing great…”

“But,” Matt hummed.

Matt swept a hand over his face. “But this guy isn’t doing you any good. You’ve been stuck on finding this guy again for nearly a month, Matt, and it’s starting to wear on you man.”

“You don’t understand.”

“I understand enough.”

“No,” Matt started.

Mike stopped him though as he simply continued on. “I understand that you lost a lot of people you love. I understand that you lost them all at once. And I understand that that means you feel things a little more differently now, that you need to keep people closer. But is this one guy really someone you want to risk everything for?”

“Yes,” Matt blurted immediately, his voice booming in the small car.

Mike sat back against the door, silent for a long moment before speaking again, and even then it was a single word. “Why?”

Matt clenched his hands into tight fists, his lips a fine line for a long time as he tried to rein in his emotions. Eventually he was able to uncurl his fingers, and he focused on the crescent shaped indentations his fingernails had left in his palms as he spoke. “Because he was perfect just like you and Ian said. He’s everything that reminds me of Kevvy and everything that doesn’t. Everything my parents wouldn’t have approved of if they were still here too.”

There was another long pause between the two. Mike had been shocked to hear Matt say so much as that and even his old boyfriend’s name. No one had heard the brunette mutter as much in the two years that had passed since Kevvy and Matt’s parents had been taken out of the picture, and Mike wasn’t sure if he should say something or stay quiet and let the younger man talk.

Matt answered the question for him.

“You and Ian both know that I can’t just let people go anymore,” he breathed.  “And Josh needed me. Whether or not he said it out loud or not, his body language alone told me that he was afraid of what I would do. I need to find him, Mike, because I know that hasn’t changed for him. I know he’s still walking this street and getting picked up by strangers and things are happening to him that make him flinch away from people like me that only want to help… I only want to help him.”

Matt risked a glance over at his friend after the older man had been quiet for what seemed like too long. Mike wasn’t even looking at him though; he was leaned forward and staring out the front windshield.

“Mike?” Matt questioned. “Were you even listening to me?”

“Hold on,” the older man murmured, squinting his eyes.

Matt scoffed. “Really? I finally talk about this like you wanted me to, and you tell me to wait?”

“Stop it,” Mike huffed. “I think I see something going on over there.”

Matt’s eyes widened in fascination as he followed the line of Mike’s pointer finger and looked out the front window as well.

“There?” he asked quietly.

He got no answer though, other than the two figures moving out of the alleyway. Matt and Mike watched as the two shadows moved onto the sidewalk, one of them hunched over and walking with an apparent limp even from across the street and down a ways. Matt couldn’t be sure, but even with the stuttered gait the figure looked strikingly like Josh.

Matt tensed, his hands jumping to the steering wheel to hold on as he watched to two figures slow down, the one with the limp slumping almost lazily against the stone wall behind them.

“Dammit,” Matt murmured.

He couldn’t see worth shit. The two people across the street had avoided walking under the street lamps and were still covered in a majority of shadows when one of them got close to the other for a brief moment. Matt sat forward, riveted as the figure backed away again and walked swiftly away. Matt caught a glimpse of the man as he ducked into his car which had been parked just beside a streetlamp. He looked satisfied, if Matt had to put a word to the man’s expression.

But then his gaze swung back to the other figure, the one that had been limping, and found that the man hadn’t moved a muscle. It wasn’t until the man in the car drove away that the other man slowly slid to the ground and stayed there.

Matt was out of the car in a flash, his feet pounding against the street as he crossed over to the other sidewalk and raced towards the figure that had fallen.

Josh. Josh. Josh.

His mind chanted at him.

It had to be Josh.

As Matt skidded to a halt beside the shadowed figure, his heart sank.

“Josh,” he finally said aloud.

The blond and blue head that had been tilted down slowly rose and tired eyes met Matt’s.

“What…” the blond breathed. “What are you doing here?”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The blond swallowed again, but let his lips part with a shaky breath. “Okay,” he whispered.

Matt ignored the question and dropped to his knees beside Josh. He vaguely heard Mike shouting at him about leaving the car so suddenly, but he didn’t care. The younger man moved closer to Josh, the blond watching him with glazed eyes.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

Josh looked confused, his brows curving in towards each other as he blinked at Matt. “Huh?”

“Are you hurt?” Matt asked more firmly. “Josh, are you okay?”

Matt reached out to the older man without thinking and began running his palms up and down Josh’s arms and chest, maybe searching for injuries, but also just wanting to make sure this was actually happening. To make sure this, _Josh_ , was real. The blond winced though, and pushed clumsily at Matt’s hands.

“No,” he moaned. “I- - stop. _What are you doing here_?”

“Looking for you,” Matt huffed as he struggled to keep his hands on the other man.

It wasn’t an entirely selfish gesture anymore when Josh was sliding down the side of the wall as if he wanted to lie down right there in the snow. Matt was worried that the blond’s body wasn’t exactly giving him a choice. Josh’s eyes were staying closed longer and longer between blinks and his hands were simply latched on to Matt now, not even moving to push him away.

“Josh?”

“Matt!”

The brunette’s head snapped around at the sound of his friend’s voice, and he caught the sight of Mike skidding to a halt beside him, his feet slipping on the snow and making the bigger man windmill his arms for a second.

“Is it him?” Mike asked frantically before looking down to see for himself. “It is! Is he okay?”

Matt’s eyes flickered back to Josh again, and he shook his head. “No.”

“Mm,” Josh hummed weakly after a second’s pause between the three of them. Matt had been scared that the blond had passed out completely. “M fine,” Josh breathed as if to prove Matt wrong. But then even his hold on Matt’s arms went lax and Josh wasn’t moving anymore.

Matt’s heart raced as he frowned and moved closer to the older man, cupping at his cheeks with his hands and shaking him just lightly enough to make him open his eyes. Josh looked surprised and confused and scared and a whole other array of emotions for a split second before he focused on Matt again. He took in a sharp breath as his eyes widened.

“Matt? What are you doing here?”

“Fucking Christ,” Matt breathed.

“What is it?” Mike asked, his voice spiked with far more concern than Matt expected.

Josh reached out haltingly, his hand shaking, and Matt met the blond’s hand with his own, lacing their fingers together as best he could at the awkward angle. Josh smiled faintly before the gesture faded once again and his eyelids fluttered closed.

“I think we need to get him to the hospital,” he explained, looking up at Mike for confirmation.

The bigger man looked equally as concerned, and nodded. “Fuck, yeah. Let’s get him up.”

They worked together to get Josh up, slinging both of his arms over their shoulders and wrapping their own around Josh’s waist. The blond groaned but didn’t make any other sounds of protest as they crossed the street quickly and maneuvered him into the back seat of Matt’s car.

“He looks rough,” Mike murmured when Matt was finally pulling away from the curb. His upper body was twisted around in the front seat so he could keep an eye on the unconscious man in the back.

Matt nodded. “I know.” His gaze flickered up to the rearview mirror, catching a glance at Josh. The blond hadn’t moved. Matt pressed a little more heavily on the gas.

“Careful, man,” Mike said, turning to look at Matt.

Matt was silent as he continued driving, the gage on his speedometer slowly rising.

*          *          *

_Josh slumped against his counter, wincing as the bruise on his hip zinged with pain at the contact. The countertop was covered with neat piles of mail, each one for a different bill he had somehow fallen behind on._

_Rent. As usual._

_He had been trying for weeks to get the money for it all, but the Johns had been sparse once the weather had gone to shit. He had waited on the street corner for hours over the past week alone, every single night, but had only picked up two._

_And they had both wanted to play harder with him than most. Which was saying something._

_But Josh had allowed it only on the condition that his price was doubled._

_Sighing, he plucked the electricity and water bills off the counter and carried them into the bedroom with him. He flicked on the light as he went, stopping for a second to savor the fact that he could do so, before moving on and pulling a folder down from the shelf in his closet and slipping the bills inside._

_“Paid,” he murmured._

_He reached back up and replaced the folder in his closet, sighing heavily as he did so. He ached all over, his hips, knees, shoulders, back. Lips cracked and skin bruised, Josh could feel his body breaking down. But he had to continue. He had no other option._

_The rent bills were stacking up not only from Brett, but also from Josh’s previous landlord. The bastard was doing anything and everything possible to charge Josh extra and often. He couldn’t keep up. Not really. And he felt like shit for making Brett wait so long for the rent he owed him as well. At least Brett was a good guy, actually making an effort to care for Josh if he stumbled home a little worse for wear. Brett was actually turning out to be someone Josh considered a real friend. And he was glad he was finally making an effort towards that friendship too._

_But he knew it put a strain on the other man._

_Josh just didn’t want to acknowledge the strain it was putting on him. Instead, he reached into the closet and pulled out his coat, slinging it over his shoulders with only the allowance of a small gasp before he made his way out of the room and the apartment entirely._

_He’d take as many Johns as he could get tonight. No matter how hard or light they might want to play. He needed to pay Brett back and get his other bills under control. He needed to._

*          *          *

Josh woke up slowly, his whole body hurting, aching dully and making him want to just stay asleep forever. He knew he couldn’t, not when he never really got what he wanted. Hell, he had tried before. Tried to swallow enough pills to make everything go away, but all that had gotten him was a trip to the hospital and more and more debt to be paid.

He had found it ironic at the time, not being able to afford living, but also not being able to afford dying. But he had never really appreciated irony.

And he didn’t appreciate the fact that he was waking up in a white washed room with a beeping monitor telling him exactly where he was.

“Fuck,” he croaked, his voice shot, and let out a heavy sigh.

Josh felt something shift beside him a second later, and his eyes snapped open.

“You’re awake.”

Josh sucked in a surprised breath. “Matt?”

The younger man smiled weakly and leaned over the bed a bit, his hand inching towards Josh’s. “Yeah. How are you feeling?”

“You tell me,” Josh murmured, his eyes scanning over the room again and again. He had to get out before they charged him.

Matt looked a little taken aback, but he pressed on, curling his fingers around Josh’s. The blond let him, finding it hard to focus on anything else. “The doctor said you have a mild concussion, and- - um…”

Josh heard the hitch in Matt’s voice and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. “What else did they tell you?”

The younger man cleared his throat, his fingers tightening over Josh’s. “Um. Multiple contusions, and… and tearing… They said- -”

The blond blinked his eyes open again, finally looking up at Matt and finding the worry etched across the man’s face. “Hey,” he whispered. “It’s okay.”

“No,” Matt responded immediately. “No, it’s not. Fuck, Josh, it’s so not okay.”

“Believe me,” Josh murmured, feeling worn out and ready to leave. He needed to find a doctor and get some release forms. “I’ve had worse.”

“Worse than r- -” Matt stopped himself off, and Josh turned his face away from him.

He _really_ needed to find a doctor. But he replied anyways. “Yes.”

“Josh,” Matt licked his lips, getting worked up after a moment of silence in which he let the blond’s words sink in. “I found you on the street, damn near passed out, confused. That man did this to you, he- -”

“He paid for it,” Josh cut in angrily, getting worked up himself. He had already been uneasy waking up in the hospital with the man he had been trying to forget right beside him, holding his fucking hand. Now that same man, Matt, was trying to turn this against Josh? Like it was his fault Matt had been there to see him when he was at his lowest? Josh tried to pull his hand away from the younger man, but gave up once Matt scowled at him and held on tighter. “What are you even doing here, Matt?”

Matt shook his head. “Do you even remember how many times you’ve asked me that tonight? Do you even _understand_ how fucking scary it was to find you like that?”

“I didn’t ask you to find me, Matt.”

“No, but I wasn’t going to just let you go,” the younger man grunted with a loud voice. “I wasn’t going to just leave you on the street like that.”

“Why the hell not? I walked away from you, remember? I don’t want anything to do with you, Matt. I’m a goddamn whore. I deserved everything I got tonight, hell, I fucking earned it. And what are you doing? Chasing after something- - someone that’s not even remotely worth it? Why?”

“Because I care about you,” Matt started.

Josh scoffed though. “No you don’t. You fucking can’t. We were together one night, Matt. One. And it was over a month ago. How could you have possibly gotten anything out of that other than the blow job I gave you?”

“You said you wanted to do that,” Matt defended. “And are you saying that you didn’t get anything out of that night?”

“No! That’s not - - Agh! _Fuck,_ ” Josh sucked in a quick breath, his chest feeling heavy, and closed his eyes tight.

Matt fretted, his anger draining as quickly as it came as he watched Josh writhing uncomfortably on the bed. “Are you okay? Fuck, I’m sorry Josh.”

“No,” Josh choked out, slowly getting his breathing back under control, though it remained labored. He had to stay very still for the aches in his body not to turn into burning pain. He really was in a bad way this time. Josh needed to get out of there, and his eyes flickered to Matt. “Don’t be sorry,” he panted. “Just… Matt, please, just get me out of here.”

The younger man’s eyes widened. “What?”

“I can’t… Matt I can’t stay here. I don’t want to. Please.”

“Where are you going to go, Josh?”

“Home,” The blond answered simply. “I just need to get out of here.”

“Josh… I already… I can’t just let you go.”

Josh stared at the other man, finding it impossible to comprehend how Matt could sound so pained when Josh was the one lying in a hospital bed. He was the one that still had a stack of bills waiting for him at home. He was the one who was finding trouble just trying to move, and yet Matt had spoken those words like it were all reversed. Josh didn’t know what to make of that.

“You have to,” he finally said. “You have to let me go.”

Matt pegged him with a stare that left Josh feeling shaky. “Why though? Why do I have to let you go when I just found you again?”

“I told you Matt, I didn’t want to be found.”

“I- -” Matt bit his lip. “I can’t accept that. You need help, Josh, and I can’t just let you walk out those doors and disappear again before you get it.”

“I don’t want any help,” Josh whispered.

“Not even mine?” Matt asked just as softly after a long pause of silence.

Josh didn’t understand this man at all. He didn’t understand why Matt would have given him a choice when they first met of whether to stay or go, but wouldn’t give him the same chance now. He didn’t understand why someone like Matt, someone who obviously had friends and a _life_ would want to help someone like Josh. Josh didn’t deserve that.

“What exactly are you saying Matt?” Josh finally asked.

The younger man shifted from foot to foot, rocking a bit excitedly now that Josh seemed at least slightly interested in listening to him. “Look, you want out of here. I get that. I hate hospitals too. But I can’t just… I want to make sure you _at least_ get home okay. So I could drive you there if-”

“No,” Josh jolted.

“No?”

Josh shook his head, biting his lip with worry. Matt couldn’t come to his apartment, couldn’t know where he lived. If the man had been looking for him over the last month that Josh had been trying (and failing) to entirely forget him, Matt would only ever use knowing Josh’s address against him. Josh couldn’t just have the man dropping in anytime and seeing the state of his life as it was in the form of his ratty apartment. He knew from the little bit of experience with Matt that the man wouldn’t give up, though.

Josh was stuck, and he fucking knew it. But he at least had to try.

“I can get there myself.”

Matt scowled. “You can barely walk.”

“I’ll call a cab.”

“But I can drive you and it wouldn’t cost you anything.”

It was Josh’s turn to scowl. Matt had a point. Josh couldn’t just give his money up like that when he could find another way home. He had admittedly made about a thousand dollars that night with how many tricks he had turned and how fucking rough they had been, But he needed every penny to pay off his old landlord and Brett too. He hadn’t even thought about buying groceries or cigarettes for himself in the last two weeks, and he wouldn’t start spending his money so frivolously now.

“I can call a friend.”

Matt looked at his watch. “Would they even pick up at 2:00 A.M.?”

  1. Josh hadn’t even thought about the time. It hadn’t been nearly that late when he had left his apartment, and he didn’t want to wake Brett and risk worrying him if the man had actually managed to get to sleep.



Josh laid his head back on the pillows he was propped up on, breathing through his nose to try and keep his anxiety from spiking. He just couldn’t have Matt come to his apartment. He couldn’t. But he was running out of options.

Matt sighed beside him and Josh’s gaze swept towards him. Matt had his head tilted down towards his chest, but Josh could see the man’s tongue sweep out along his lower lip. “Look, I’m sorry if I’m being pushy here. I’m sorry if you don’t even want me around. But I _need_ to make sure you get home okay.”

“I… Matt, I can’t have you take me there.”

“Why not?”

Josh didn’t answer him, refused to answer him, and Matt eventually let out another sigh.

“Okay, fine. If I can’t take you to yours, will you let me take you to mine?”

Josh felt the urge to bolt right then and there, the shock running through his body strong enough to make his legs twitch. But he knew he wouldn’t be able to run, let alone get off the damn bed without help. Not when he was this messed up.

He couldn’t stop the fear that washed over him though, that had laced itself into his blood at Matt’s words. Josh could vaguely hear the heart monitor getting louder, the beeping faster, but he didn’t take his eyes off of Matt. Matt, the man he had thought he could trust enough to ask him for help. But now Matt was offering something that only connoted more pain for Josh.

No matter the man that took him home, Josh always found himself on his knees for them in one way or another. And though he had thought Matt was different, though he had been _willing_ to get on his knees for this man the first time… He was shocked that Matt would ask that of him like this.

At least, that was what Josh thought he was asking. What else would Matt want? All Josh had to offer him was his body in return for any “help” Matt was suggesting, and… Josh felt stupid for having not seen it sooner.

“Whoa, whoa,” Matt suddenly murmured, his eyes focused on Josh’s heart monitor for a moment before he looked back down at the blond. “What’s going on right now? You’re freaking out.”

Josh blinked quickly a few times, his eyes stinging and his tongue feeling too thick for his mouth. He knew he shouldn’t be this upset, but he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Matt for a single day since he had met the man, hadn’t been able to forget the way Matt had treated him so differently from all of his other clients. And now all Josh could focus on was how his body ached and the rampant dread of Matt wanting to make it worse.

He _had_ to get out.

“Wh- what about your friend?” he blurted finally.

Matt’s brows pulled together in confusion.

“My friend?”

“The one- your friend that was with you before… The big one, M- um, Mike?”

Matt shook his head. “Mi- _what_? What does he have to do with anything?”

“He was with you, wasn’t he? When you found me?”

“Yeah, he’s out in the waiting room, but I don’t understand why you’re asking about him.”

The blond licked his lips and wiped his free hand back and forth across the blankets he was lying under. Sweat was beading up on his palms, and he knew he was grasping at straws, but Matt was asking to take him home. And Josh was scared shitless by every implication that question carried.

“You… you should get back to him. Take care of _him_. Let me- - let me find my own way out of here.”

“Josh, stop,” Matt huffed. “I’m trying to help you right now. You don’t have to do this on your own. I-”

“I can’t pay you back,” Josh whispered. “Not- - not the way you want.”

“The way I want.” Matt’s voice had gone level at that, his tone low and dangerous.

Josh tried to pull his hand away from Matt’s again, and this time the younger man let him. His hand shook as he drew back, but Josh didn’t take his eyes off Matt.

“I can’t,” he repeated just as quietly as before.

A muscle in Matt’s jaw ticked as he curled his hands into tight fists against the hospital bed, but he didn’t move and didn’t lash out at Josh as he expected. Matt just let out a long, shuddering breath. When he finally spoke, his gaze was locked on the linoleum floor. “Josh, I know you probably think I’m crazy. Hell, I know I went a little off the wall over the last few weeks. But- - I was trying to find you, Josh. You. Not the hooker that my friends bought off the street. Not the body you offered me even when you were afraid of what I would do to it. I know… I know you have no reason to trust me, but I was trying to find _you…_ You let me take care of you that night. All I’m asking is that you let me do it again. Please, Josh. Let me take care of you again. That’s all I want.”

Josh swallowed thickly, his sinuses burning and his eyes stinging with the sudden desire to cry, but he blinked quickly. He had to hold back, not wanting to show Matt how those words had affected him. It had been a long time since someone had wanted to take care of Josh, but the blond was still convinced that maybe Matt’s idea of taking care of him was the same as all the other men’s.

And yet, Josh was beginning to realize that he had to take the chance. Even if he that meant the high probability of Matt hurting him like all the other Johns had. Matt had been good to him the first time, right? And they hadn’t even really had sex then. Maybe he would be softer than the others.

The blond swallowed again, but let his lips part with a shaky breath. “Okay,” he whispered.

Matt’s eyes snapped up to Josh’s, taking in the fear that was so evident there, and letting out a shaky breath of his own. “Okay?”

Josh nodded. “Just- - please just get me out of here.”

“I will,” Matt said immediately. His hand lifted up to rest on Josh’s shoulder and the blond resisted the urge to pull away. “I’ll- uh- I’ll go get the doctor.”

As the younger man pulled away Josh was the one to reach out again, his fingers grasping at Matt’s. When he turned back, Josh nearly flinched, still scared of what this decision would mean for him. But he forced his mouth to work. “Can- can you find my clothes too?”

Matt stared at him for a moment, seeming to realize for the first time that Josh was in a hospital gown rather than his tight pants and studded shoes. Josh had been aware of it from the moment he opened his eyes, feeling far too vulnerable under Matt’s gaze despite having been naked in front of the man before. And he hated it. He hated not having any control over this situation.

But he supposed he ought to be used to it, and let Matt go before the younger man gave an answering nod.

“Shit,” he whispered to himself once Matt was gone. He wanted to curl in on himself and just disappear.

But still he could feel some sort of hum beneath his skin at the idea of Matt being good to him again. Fuck, Josh just wanted it to be good. He just wanted it to stop hurting.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt smiled. “Good night, Josh.”
> 
> The blond didn’t say it back, just watched as Matt turned and disappeared down the hallway again, and then closed the door. He made a point to turn the lock and check it just in case, but when he felt no give as he tested it, Josh smiled and slumped forward.
> 
> “Good night,” he murmured finally, and then made his way back to the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to update.

Josh’s eyes darted back and forth between Matt and Mike. He had is back pressed against the passenger side door of Matt’s car as they drove away from the hospital, and no matter how tired Josh was he couldn’t take his eyes off the two men he was with. Neither had made a move yet to touch him or hurt him, but Josh felt trapped. He didn’t want to feel that way, Matt had said over and over that he wanted to help, but Josh had needed assistance just to walk the short distance to the car after being wheeled out of the hospital by the nurses. And he still ached so badly that if Josh was honest with himself, he didn’t want to feel _anything_.

But he had said okay. He had said Matt could take him away from the hospital and take care of him, even though that meant going to the other man’s home and staying there. Staying until, presumably, Matt let him leave. Or at least until Josh was strong enough to sneak away on his own.

There was a dull crinkling sound as Josh tightened his fingers around the brown paper bag in his hands, and Josh couldn’t help but bite his lip. He hoped it wouldn’t come down to needing permission to leave. Matt had already left him no choice, really, but to go home with him. Josh just hoped that once he was healed he would have that choice back.

“How are you doing?” Matt asked suddenly, breaking the silence of the car.

Josh’s eyes snapped back up to look at Matt’s face. He hadn’t realized that he had looked away, and felt uncomfortable at the realization that he had so easily been distracted. “Um,” he licked his lips and shrugged, lied, “alright, I guess… You?”

Matt laughed softly, though the sound was strained. Josh heard Mike laugh too, and frowned. “We’re almost there, okay?” Matt offered. “And you can rest when we get there. You need it.”

“Right,” Josh responded simply, but his mind instantly wandered to what he would have to rest for and he shivered.

“Cold?” Mike asked.

Matt perked up immediately and fiddled with the dash for a moment until a sputtering of warm air came out of the vents. “Better?”

Josh nodded dumbly. “Sure.”

“Hey,” Matt spoke again, softly.

The blond looked up at him tentatively, scared, and Matt smiled. It took Josh a moment to decipher why that gesture looked so different on Matt than all his other Johns, and he sucked in a breath when he realized that it was because it wasn’t hungry. Matt didn’t look at him like he wanted to fuck him right then and there. He looked at Josh with nothing but that smile, and maybe an edge of worry.

It was shocking.

“Y-yeah?”

“Thank you for agreeing to come with me,” Matt murmured.

“Uh…”

The younger man reached over, softly laid a hand on Josh’s, and the blond flinched. Matt’s features pinched but he withdrew his hand. Josh berated himself. If he was supposed to somehow pay Matt back for whatever… _this_ was, he would have to stop flinching away. He would have to start acting like he actually wanted that.

 _Give Matt what he wants_ , Josh told himself _. Just fucking do it_.

Tentatively Josh pulled Matt’s hand back, hyper aware of the shock on the younger man’s face and the squinted, skeptical glance Mike gave him, and curled his fingers around Matt’s. “Th-thanks for… being here…”

Mat side-eyed him for a moment before letting out a forced chuckle. “You’re doing it again.”

“What?” Josh asked.

Matt retracted his hand again, patting Josh’s lightly before gripping the steering wheel, and shook his head. “Treating me like a client. Selling me something that I don’t want.”

Josh sucked in a breath, feeling a wash of anger come over him, and clutched even tighter to the brown bag in his lap. It was the truth, really, but Josh hadn’t expected Matt to see it. He hadn’t expected Matt to find him either, though, so Josh shouldn’t have actually been that surprised. But there was still irritation scratching at his skin from Matt’s accusatory tone. “Then why don’t you just be honest with me, huh? Tell me what you _do_ want?”

The younger man sighed heavily. “I already did.”

Josh shook his head and stayed silent the rest of the drive to Matt’s house even while still keeping an eye on both of the men he shared the car with. Every bump of the road caused pain to flare up all over the blond’s body, and it served to remind him exactly why he needed to stay on guard around Matt.

No matter how nice the younger man was, Matt had still forced this help on Josh. He could still force a lot of other things on the blond too, and Josh would have to be prepared for whatever those things were if that happened.

He squeezed his eyes shut at those thoughts, wishing Matt would have just let him leave. Wishing all at once that he had never met Matt and had never been in such a dire situation that he had to even walk the fucking streets to pay his bills in the first place. Everything would have been so much easier if Josh had just had a normal job, if he had just stayed fucking clean and gotten his shit together sooner.

Yeah he had gotten clean, sober, but not until Josh had already started fucking anything willing to pay him for it in order to stay clean and stay off the streets when he wasn’t working them. No matter what he did, Josh was fucking miserable, and he wasn’t entirely sure why he hadn’t just put an end to everything already.

The blond rubbed a hand over his eyes wearily and slumped a little lower in his seat. He looked over at Matt yet again and just watched him. Watched the way the younger man chatted softly with Mike and yet never took his own eyes off the road. He turned corners smoothly, eased off the gas at every yellow light, and maintained a light tone with Mike even when they were cut off by another driver.

Josh couldn’t help but think Matt had been careful like that with Josh too, easing up when Josh had felt overwhelmed, letting Josh work at his own pace, and simply talking with him. Holding him, and the blond could only hope Matt would continue that behavior as long as Josh was with him.  

He could only hope.

“We’re here,” the younger man announced eventually, pulling Josh out of his thoughts, and smiled cautiously over at the blond. “Need some help out?”

“Uh,” Josh looked down at himself, at the slippers he had worn out of the hospital, and briefly wondered if he had been expected to give those back. “Yeah,” he finally answered, and glanced up to find Matt smiling more broadly.

“Well, alright, up we go then,” Mike responded.

Josh watched silently as the big man swung the door open and levered himself out before Matt did the same. Josh waited.

Matt walked quickly around to the passenger side while Mike opened Josh’s door, and held his hand out for the blond. Josh took a deep breath, collecting himself, and took the offered hand with his own.

Both men took hold of Josh’s arms when the blond swayed between them, and slowly led him into the house. Josh just took it all in stride. The house wasn’t overly big, homier than anything he had expected from a thousand dollar client, but what shocked him the most as they all finally piled inside was the collection of pillows on Matt’s couch.

“Pugs?” he questioned, baffled.

Matt gave a questioning sound and looked up from taking his shoes off. It took him a moment to see what Josh was looking at, but when he did he laughed. Every pillow on the man’s couch had a picture of a pug on it. Every. Pillow.

“This is making my head hurt,” Josh sighed. “Who needs that many pug pillows? Where did you even- what?”

Matt seemed shocked, his eyes wide, but his lips tilting up into a small smile, and he shook his head. “You just sounded so…” he started. Josh gave him a warning look, stepping back only to meet Mike’s chest.

He mumbled an apology and Mike waved him off. “I seemed so what?”

Matt shrugged, looking happy for the first time since Josh had woken up. “You sounded normal. Like you did when…” Matt just trailed off, but his smile stayed in place.

Josh’s chest tightened. He knew Matt was talking about when Josh had actually opened up to him. About when Josh had shared his favorite colour and his love of pets. It was odd that Matt could hear the difference in just his voice, and Josh suddenly felt uncomfortable again.

“Where do you want me?” he asked.

Mike and Matt tensed.

“Sh-should I just sleep on the couch?” Josh continued shakily. He wasn’t sure he would be able to sleep out in the open like that, especially with so many pillows. _Especially_ with so many pillows that had pictures of pugs on them.

Josh shook his head minutely. He couldn’t believe he had somehow gotten himself into this situation. Every minute of it was either tense or extremely… odd.

Matt just seemed relieved, though, and waved his hand towards the darkened hallway. “You can sleep in my room. It’s this way.”

The blond was instantly on edge again.

 _You knew this would happen_ , he told himself angrily. _You fucking knew_.

But he followed Matt anyways as the younger man took him lightly by the arm, and didn’t say a word as he was led along.

“Right here,” Matt stated once they made it down to the end of the hall. It had taken a while with Josh’s stunted steps, and the blond wouldn’t have been even the slightest bit ashamed to say that he had played heavily into every one of his injuries in the hopes that Matt would take pity on him and leave him the hell alone when they got to that damned bedroom.

Matt just walked right in with him, though, and urged Josh towards the bed. “Now you just wait here, okay? I’ll go get you some stuff to be more comfortable, and I’ll be right back.”

The blond went easily enough, resigned that his efforts had been ignored, and simply dropped his bag on the bed as Matt walked out the door again. He ignored the stinging behind his eyes, the ache of his ribs and his… everything, and just gave in.

Matt had denied and denied wanting this, but he had taken Josh right to his bedroom and… Josh took his coat off, set it carefully next to the brown bag, and pulled his feet from the slippers. Next off was his shirt, though he wasn’t sure how turned on or off Matt might have been from all the bruising, and let the cloth fall on the bed as well.

Josh breathed heavily for a few seconds, tried to pull himself together, and then slowly lowered himself to his knees beside the bed. The process was painful, his joints screaming at him just as loudly as his muscles, but Josh ignored his body entirely. This was what Matt wanted. This was what Josh had to give him. And he would, he would give Matt anything he wanted at this point, if it only meant he could leave sooner. If it meant Matt would treat him like a human afterwards again.

Fuck, but Josh just wanted to be treated like he was a living, breathing person again rather than a doll that was only there to be fucked. He shouldn’t have expected as much from Matt, but he had. Matt had made him believe, even if for only a second, that he wouldn’t-

“What the hell are you doing?”

Josh’s head snapped up, his eyes widening at the harsh, though surprised tone of Matt’s voice. The younger man stood in the doorway, blankets and pillows in his arms, but didn’t move further into the room. Josh curled his fingers into his palms when he felt them start shaking again.

“Waiting for you, like you asked,” he explained with a frown.

Matt stared at him for a long time, and Josh couldn’t help the way his whole body began to tremble just like his hands. He was just so tired. So hurt. Everything hurt. But he stayed so very still for Matt, and didn’t flinch when the younger man came to stand in front of him and dropped everything he held on the bed. No, Josh knew what that meant, and reached up for the buckle of Matt’s belt, but before he could get his fingers around the clasp, Matt stopped him.

Josh jolted with the shock of having fingers gripping his wrists. He tried to pull away, but Matt held him firmly.

“Hey,” the younger man spoke softly. Josh blinked up at him, glanced almost accusingly down at where Matt’s hands were wrapped around his wrists. “Hey,” Matt said again and dropped down to his knees too. “This isn’t what I asked, Josh.”

“No?”

Matt shook his head emphatically. “No. You asked where you could sleep, and this is where you can sleep. Where you will sleep. You hear me? _Sleep_ Josh. Nothing else, okay?”

Josh stared at him, waiting for… something. He didn’t know what yet. But Matt just held his hands, scooted their knees closer together, and shook his head again.

“You don’t have to do this for me. I don’t _want_ you to do this for me.”

“Wh-” Josh swallowed thickly. “What do you want then?”

Matt was silent for a moment before he let go of one of Josh’s hands and raised his own to the blond’s cheek. Josh stayed very, very still. He didn’t move a muscle, couldn’t move as Matt touched him, but Matt didn’t hurt him like Josh expected. The younger man simply rubbed his thumb over one of the many marks Josh was sure marred his face. Simply brushed over the spot and leaned in to kiss it.

Josh trembled hard, his breath leaving his lungs too quickly, and tilted his head to give Matt room to do… whatever Matt wanted to do. Another soft kiss was pressed to his cheek, and Josh’s own lips trembled. With fear or anticipation, Josh wasn’t sure. And he hated that he wasn’t sure. He had felt so comfortable next to Matt before, but Josh had given himself to so many rough Johns, so many men that wanted nothing more than to abuse him and fuck him raw, that Josh couldn’t trust this. He couldn’t trust Matt.

Not after just one night with him.

“I want you to sleep,” Matt whispered close to Josh’s ear, surprising the blond yet again. “Can you do that for me? For you? I won’t stay in the room, you can lock the door, but I want you to sleep Josh. Please.”

“That’s it?” Josh asked with a small voice. He had to ask.

And Matt nodded. “Please just rest Josh. We can talk more tomorrow, I- I can take you home if that’s what you really want, hell, I’ll just call you a cab like you asked before. But… just for tonight will you do this for me? Let me know you’re safe. Let me know you’re healing, and _sleep._ ”

Josh panted hard, his eyes squeezing shut, and he just breathed for a moment. Matt stayed quiet, waited for Josh to pull himself together, and smiled when the blond finally opened his eyes again. He ran his fingers through Josh’s hair, offering comfort, and Josh refused to flinch away from the only soft touch he had received in nearly a month.

He couldn’t help the question that slipped passed his lips though. “Are you sure?”

“Am I sure?”

Josh sucked in another breath, feeling the burn behind his eyes grow stronger. “Y-you don’t… I don’t have to…”

“No,” Matt responded quickly. “You don’t have to do anything for me, okay? Not like that.”

“Why not?” Josh shuffled uncomfortably on his knees and blinked up at the younger man from where he had ducked his chin against his chest. “Why do you keep… doing this? Why do you even care about me?”

Matt let out a soft puff of air, seemingly resigned. “Don’t you remember?”

Josh stared at Matt then, taking in the deep sadness of his eyes, and dropped his gaze again. “You just don’t want to be alone. That’s not really something you need me to fix.”

“I don’t need you to fix anything, Josh,” Matt murmured. “I just want to be your friend. I know you don’t believe me, and you have every right not to, but I do care about you. And I will take care of you too, if you’ll let me.”

Josh curled his fingers into fists, let his chest expand and compress with each pull of air, and nodded. “Okay.”

“What?” Matt asked, surprised.

And the blond felt his chest go tight. “I said,” he explained slowly, “okay.”

Matt laughed breathily, and got to his feet in a rush. Josh almost laughed at the younger man’s excitement, but couldn’t bring himself to even do that as Matt reached down and helped him to his feet as well.

“You can stay as long as you want, okay?” Matt told him excitedly. “It’s not a pro-”

“I’ll just stay tonight,” Josh spoke up immediately.

Matt stopped what he was doing, having started stripping the bed and fitting the new sheets on it, and nodded slowly at the blond. “Okay. That’s okay. Just for tonight. But… if you want… you can.”

Josh’s knees felt weak again, for a number of reasons, but the most prominent one was fear. No matter what Matt promised him, Josh couldn’t help but still feel trapped. Just like he had in the car. Just like he had in the hospital.

But he found himself nodding anyways, if for no other reason than to make Matt drop the subject. “Okay,” he repeated brokenly.

Matt didn’t move for a moment, but then nodded as well and continued his work of making the bed. By the time the younger man was done, Josh’s whole body was trembling again, aching and sore, and he felt as if he would fall apart at the seams if he couldn’t lie down again soon. Matt bundled up the dirty sheets and threw them haphazardly into the closet before turning his attention back to Josh.

“All done,” he stated lamely.

But then he moved forward and slipped his hand into Josh’s, tugging him towards the door. “Come on,” he murmured.

Josh followed shakily, not sure what the younger man wanted now, but didn’t let go of Matt’s hand until they had come to a stop at the opening of the door.

“It’s kind of touchy when you want to open it,” Matt explained then, gripping the handle of the door, “but it’ll still lock no problem.”

Josh’s lips parted slightly as his eyes snapped up to Matt’s as the younger man smiled and stepped out of the room.

“Lock it behind me, okay? Mike and I won’t be able to bother you then.”

The blond’s breath caught in his throat at the offer of safety no matter how flimsy it might have been, and he moved closer to the door immediately. His fingers wrapped around the knob and he swallowed thickly.

“Thank you,” he muttered earnestly.

Matt seemed surprised, but his eyes lit up at the thanks. “Let me know if you need anything okay?”

Josh nodded.

Matt smiled. “Good night, Josh.”

The blond didn’t say it back, just watched as Matt turned and disappeared down the hallway again, and then closed the door. He made a point to turn the lock and check it just in case, but when he felt no give as he tested it, Josh smiled and slumped forward.

“Good night,” he murmured finally, and then made his way back to the bed.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh choked and gagged as the acidic bile rose in his throat again and again despite the lack of actual food or substance in his body, and Josh felt as if his whole body were on fire with pain. Everything hurt. 
> 
> Everything.
> 
> And yet Josh knew that it was his own fault. It was his fault he had gotten behind on rent with Brett. How own fault his old landlord had even found out what he did for money. And his own fault he had let all those Johns into his body, let them use his body the way they had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING explicit depiction of dub-con/ non-con sex and aftermath.

Matt sighed as he walked back towards the living room, running a hand over his face as he went, and smiled wearily when he spotted Mike.

“Thanks for helping me, man,” he murmured.

The older man shrugged, his face etched with worry. “He was hurt, what else was I supposed to do?”

Matt just shook his head and flopped down on the couch his friend was leaned up against. “I don’t know, Mike, but I’m just really glad we found him.”

Mike was quiet for a long moment before he too sighed and slumped down on the couch beside Matt. “Yeah,” he breathed heavily, “but are you sure he wanted to be?”

The younger man rolled his eyes towards his friend and arched a single eyebrow.

“Look,” Mike raised his hands in defense, “he was just… he looked terrified, okay? And then all of a sudden we’re getting into your car and he’s sleeping in your room when he should be sleeping in that damn hospital bed for another few days, and I just… are you sure this is such a good idea?”

“I don’t know,” Matt replied. “But I know he needed help. Still does. And I’m going to give it to him.”

“Because of Kevvy and your-”

“Because it’s the right thing to do Mike,” Matt answered angrily.

Mike stared at him and Matt groaned, dropped his head back on the couch cushion.

“And, yes, because of Kevvy and my parents, okay? Are you happy now? You got the sad little boy to admit he was sadder than you fucking thought?”

“Hey man,” Mike sighed. “You know that’s not what this is about. I do want you to be happy, and I know helping people makes you happy… I just want you to really think about this. Think about what’s best for you and for him.”

The two men stared at each other for a long moment, Mike’s gaze boring into Matt’s, and the younger man nodded.

“I am,” he said seriously.

“Good,” Mike hummed. “Because whether or not your heart is in the right place, that guy in there has been through hell, and we don’t even know a fraction of it.”

“I get that, Mike,” Matt huffed.

“Do you?” Mike asked. “Do you _really_ understand what he has been through tonight alone?”

“Oh and like you do,” Matt threw his hands up.

Mike’s jaw ticked in anger, and he turned to face his friend head on. “I understand what the doctors said. I understand that you brought him here instead of taking him home _like he asked_.”

Uncertainty chipped away at Matt’s anger, and Mike continued.

“I understand that he was terrified the entire ride here, that he felt it was necessary to give you anything you wanted if it only meant he wouldn’t get hurt again. I understand _that_ , Matt. He’s not going to be like a puppy you can just bring home and nurse back to health and keep forever. Shit like this has lasting effects.”

Matt opened his mouth to protest, but Mike shook his head and waved off the younger man’s attempt.

“I know that’s not what you think this is, Matt, but it is. Taking care of someone is fine, hell it’s great and I am positive that man needs someone to take care of him better than he has obviously been taking care of himself,” Mike sighed and ran a hand over one of the shaved sides of his head. When he looked back at Matt, his gaze was tired. “You need to be prepared to accept that you might not be what he needs right now.”

“Mike…”

“No, man, listen. We picked him up off the street after having-” Mike sighed and wiped a hand down his face. “Look, I just don’t think having another guy telling him what to do is going to end very well if you’re not careful.”

Matt stared down at his fingers in his lap, his jaw working and his sinuses stinging. But he nodded.

“I told him he could leave,” Matt murmured softly.

Mike was silent beside him.

“I told him that if he wanted to I would drive him home or call him a cab.”

Another sigh escaped Mike’s lips, and Matt finally looked up. Mike had his face buried in his hands, but he didn’t seem angry anymore. Matt was relieved to say the least.

“Okay,” Mike finally said. He lifted his head and glanced at his younger friend and repeated, “Okay.”

“I just want to take care of him,” Matt explained. “I don’t want to trap him here or hurt him worse than he… I _just_ want to take care of him, Mike.”

The older man nodded, his lips a thin line, and reached out to squeeze Matt’s knee. “Then do just that, man. Give _him_ what _he_ needs.”

“I will,” Matt swore.

“Okay,” Mike nodded once again, a smile finally curving his lips. “Then I think I’ll get going for the night, alright? Ian and I were going to get breakfast in the morning and I doubt your friend in there really feels safe with me around anyways. He nick named me Big Guy, dude. I’ll give the both of you some space, but call me if you need anything, alright?”

Matt smiled too, and nodded. “Yeah, man. Thank you again.”

“No problem. I’ll swing by tomorrow evening and see how everything’s going.”

“Sounds good, have a safe drive home, the snow is getting pretty heavy,” Matt hummed, watching as his friend stood from the couch and shrugged his coat back on.

Mike nodded. “Will do. Have a good night.”

“You too.”

The older man smiled and then made his way out of the house, closing the door softly behind him as he went, and Matt slumped back against the couch with a heavy sigh.

He really hoped he didn’t screw things up with Josh. He had seen the fear himself that Mike described. He had felt a little of it himself when he walked into his room and found Josh on his knees yet again. It had become an all too familiar sight, and Matt hated that.

Hell, he hated that he had found Josh in the state he had.

“Jesus,” he whispered, tugging at his hair, and let out yet another heavy breath. He couldn’t get the doctors out of his head. Couldn’t believe the way they had seemed so calm about Josh’s injuries.

More than one had suggested the possibility of getting the police involved, but every single one of them had brushed Matt’s worry away with a shrug of their shoulders.

_“We see this kind of thing a lot in here,” one doctor told him. “And with his line of work…”_

Matt gripped the edge of the couch as his anger flared up again. He had known there would be a bias, but for every doctor to simply brush the issue under the rug had infuriated him. Matt couldn’t help but admit that he was much more pleased to have Josh in his own home than in a hospital full of people that didn’t give a shit.

He just hoped Josh would see it that way too.

Sighing, Matt stood from the couch and went in search of blankets so he could sleep more comfortably when he went to lie down.

He stayed as quiet as possible when he passed the door to his own room, and hoped that Josh was sleeping well.

*          *          *

_“Fucking be quiet!” the man grunted._

_The sound of the John’s voice was hard against Josh’s ear. His breath was hot and his teeth too close to Josh’s skin for the blond to feel any semblance of distance between himself and the man currently fucking him. There was never enough distance. But this time, this fuck was almost too much._

_Josh had followed the man into the alley, allowed himself to be shoved against the wall, and did his own shoving back but only for the purpose of giving the John a condom. No matter how desperate he was, Josh would never risk a bare back fuck. There wasn’t enough money in the world for Josh to risk getting some sort of disease from the sick fucks who bought him off the street every night._

_There never would be._

_“I said, be quiet you fucking bitch,” the John hissed again. He yanked Josh back, hard, and snapped his hips forward._

_And Josh tried, he really did, but the John was so rough, tearing him apart from the inside out and it **hurt**. The blond couldn’t help but cry out and whimper and fight. Not after he had been through the same thing night after night. Not after he had been punched and fucked and had hands around his throat, fists pounding against his ribs, and fingers yanking on his hair hard enough to pull the blond strands right out of his scalp. _

_Josh couldn’t stay quiet for this John, not anymore. And though the John seemed angry about it, he simply fucked into Josh harder, held him closer with bruising hands, and panted against the blond’s neck. He was getting off on it, just like all the others._

_And that had been why Josh had followed him._

_“No wonder you’re so cheap, huh?” the man laughed breathily after Josh whimpered at a particularly vicious jab of the man’s hips. “A whore who can’t take a proper fucking? What good are you? Huh? None.”_

_The blond sucked in a heavy breath, felt like he couldn’t get enough air, and just shook his head. He didn’t need the John to tell him how little he was worth. Josh already knew. So instead of answering, Josh simply spread his legs wider, braced himself against the brick wall, and worked his own hips back._

_The John laughed yet again. “Fuck, there you go. Fucking get it.”_

_Josh bit his lip hard, tried his best to give the John what he wanted, and after what felt like hours of being split apart by the man Josh finally felt relief wash over him when the John moaned brokenly._

_It was a telltale sign and Josh finally, finally felt like he might be able to breathe again._

_“Yeah,” the John grunted. “Oh shit, yeah.”_

_He wrapped an arm around Josh’s hips and held him still as he pumped into him yet again, but only to bury himself as deep as possible before he stopped moving. Josh could feel the John’s cock twitching inside him, little ticks from the man’s cum filling the condom, and the John leaned heavily against him._

_Josh’s knees wobbled, his thighs shaking, and his whole body nearly collapsed. He wanted to so badly. He was so tired, so full of aches and pains that screamed at him for reprieve. But the John didn’t let him go. Instead, the man stayed right where he was, his cock still buried deep, and nosed at the base of Josh’s neck._

_“Took you long enough,” he murmured tiredly. “Damn good thing you’re not charging by the hour, huh? Could’ve been out of money for just one go.”_

_Josh squeezed his eyes shut, turned his face against the bricks, and simply breathed._

_The John rolled his hips lazily, making Josh feel him there, still inside, still stretching him, and put his lips closer yet to Josh’s ear. It made the blond feel sick._

_“You feel that? Hm? ‘M not even soft yet. I could keep you here all night. Just fuck you over and over again. How much would that cost? Or would a little slut like you let me do it for free?”_

_Josh’s heart beat rapidly in his chest at that thought. Bile rose in his throat, stomach acid burning there until he swallowed thickly and shook his head._

_“N-no,” he whispered. “I- - N-nothings free.”_

_The John tutted in mock sadness, kept his hips rocking softly back and forth. Josh almost cried at how painful those movements were even when they were gentle in comparison to only minutes before._

_Josh hoped to god he wasn’t torn open too badly to heal._

_“That’s too bad,” the John said. “I might have actually enjoyed you then.”_

_He held on for just a moment longer, but then he slipped away, his cock popping out of Josh’s body with a squelching sound that nearly had Josh gagging on stomach acid again, and let the blond go to lean against the wall on his own._

_The smile that was plastered to his face as he watched Josh pull up his pants with shaking hands seemed to be etched there with broken plaster._

_Josh shivered._

_“Well?” he asked._

_Josh looked at him again, having unconsciously dropped his gaze, and quirked a brow. “What?”_

_The John looked down at his own pants, his cock still hanging out, the condom filled with milky cum and hanging grossly off his tip, and shrugged. “Clean me up. Now.”_

_Josh’s chest tightened at that, heart still racing, but he lurched forward. The John laughed, catching Josh against his chest, and held him steady as Josh nodded and quickly reached down to roll the condom off and toss it aside. And then he sank to his knees and sucked the man’s cock between his lips, taking it deep and cleaning away any traces of the man’s spunk that had been left behind._

_“Much better,” the man hummed. “Maybe we can try this again some other time, huh? I’m sure you’ll do better next time.”_

_Josh felt sick, his head spinning from the way this John treated him. He had been downright vicious in his fucking, but his voice had gone softer. The blond wanted nothing more than to see the man gone._

_He rose back to his feet, though the movements were slow and stunted by pain and nodded towards the sidewalk. The John’s eyes twinkled as he followed Josh out, their feet crunching against the new piles of snow._

_As they reached the opening of the alley, he stopped Josh and leaned in close. Josh tensed, but didn’t move._

_“How ‘bout it then, huh?” he asked. “You want another chance to make me feel good? I could show you how, if I decide to come back at all.”_

_Josh didn’t even know what game the bastard was trying to play, but he was so out of it, so tired and broken and_ desperate _that he nodded._

_The man’s smile twisted sickly, and he reached into his pocket. “Alright then.”_

_And then Josh had a handful of money and the man was walking away, getting into his car and driving off into the swirls of snow._

_Josh slumped back against the building behind him, finally, finally able to close his eyes. But a rush of feet pounding against the snow made his heart jump in his chest once again._

*          *          *

“Matt!” Josh gasped.

His eyes snapped open, his chest tight and his head spinning wildly. But as he looked around he realized where he was.

“Dreaming,” he gasped. “Just… dreaming…”

Josh let himself breathe for a few long minutes, and tried and failed to unclench his fingers from fisting against the sheets. His whole body felt tense, still shaking from the night, days, before. And he hated to admit it, but Josh was still scared. The dream was proof enough of that.

He had always tried to put the memories behind him after having a John, but after Josh had allowed himself to stray closer to the bad parts of town, after he had let himself be bought by rougher and rougher men, Josh could still _feel_ them, and knew there was no chance of simply forgetting about them.

He had needed the money and his own corner had been nearly abandoned except for the John he had stumbled upon the night before. So he had wandered a bit, found himself a John each night, every single night for weeks and let them do whatever they wanted. Let them get physical. Let them hurt him.

And Josh _still. Felt. Them._

Josh was off the bed in an instant and tearing across the room for the door he only hoped was the bathroom. He nearly took it off its hinges as he dove against it, and sobbed in relief when he found the light switch. And then Josh found himself in front of the toilet, tears escaping down his cheeks and vomit forcing its way out of his mouth.

Josh choked and gagged as the acidic bile rose in his throat again and again despite the lack of actual food or substance in his body, and Josh felt as if his whole body were on fire with pain. Everything hurt.

And yet Josh knew that it was his own fault. It was his fault he had gotten behind on rent with Brett. How own fault his old landlord had even found out what he did for money. And his own fault he had let all those Johns into his body, let them _use_ his body the way they had.

Josh heaved yet again, his body fighting against him and with every right to do so. He collapsed there, his cheek wet on the seat of the toilet and snot running down his nose.

He felt disgusting. He felt fucking broken.

And he knew he really was.

There was nothing Matt or anyone else could tell him that would make him believe differently.

So Josh stayed right where he was and let himself go.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Josh wanted to really do was crawl into bed and never crawl out again except maybe for pouring boiling water over his entire body to get the feel of all those hands off of him.

Matt sighed heavily when he sat up in bed the next morning. His head ached and his eyes stung from lack of actual sleep the previous night. After he had left Josh in the guest bedroom, after he had spoken with Mike, Matt had barely gotten a lick of sleep. He had had half a mind to go to that guest bedroom door and just listen to make sure Josh was still there, still real and in his home where he could be safe.   
  
But Matt had actually listened to the rational, non-creep side of his brain and stayed hidden away in his room tossing and turning throughout the night instead. It wasn't until the very earliest shine of light had come through his window that he had been able to roll over one last time and fall asleep.   
  
When he finally opened his eyes again it was with a start, and he wasn't sure why. When he had looked at the clock at his bedside he realized he had only been able to sleep for less than two hours and decided to just give up trying.   
  
He threw the blankets off his legs and tried to rub the soreness out of his neck before standing to make his way to through the house. His first instinct was to go to Josh, but once again he held back and decided to go to the bathroom first before he went to check on the blond.   
  
"Jesus," Matt whispered when he saw himself in the mirror. His hair was a mess and there were dark shadows under his eyes. But he shrugged away the discomfort when the image of Josh's bare body flashed through his mind.  
  
The older man had been covered in bruises, some dark and some fading, and his ribs had been so prominent Matt had feared they would break through Josh's skin. And yet the blond had fought his way to his knees to do anything and everything he could to stay on Matt's good side, to try and give Matt what he thought Matt wanted.   
  
Because he wanted to survive.   
  
And Matt felt sick at the implication that Josh had felt so vulnerable with him, so cared, but then again he couldn't really blame the guy when he had been so physically hurt when Matt and Mike found him. And god only knew what was going on in Josh's head.  
  
Matt splashed cold water on his face, scrubbed at the grit he felt in the corners of his eyes and at the stubble on his cheeks, and did his best to scrub away that terrible image. He preferred the image he had seen when he first met Josh, the image of a beautiful man on his knees because he wanted to be, not because Matt forced him or because he was too scared to think clearly about what Matt was truly offering him. Matt preferred the memory of Josh lying in bed beside him and telling him something personal.  
  
And the brunette just hoped he could find that Josh again, make more memories like that with the blond, but he also kept in mind the conversation he had had with Mike.  
  
"He's not a sick puppy," he mocked as he dried the water from his skin. But as he put the towel back up on the bar he had pulled it down from, he let those words really sink in.   
Josh wasn't some animal to be nursed and kept and house broken. If Josh was an animal of any sort he was wild, and had his own home to go to and take care of himself in.   
  
Matt would have to accept that. He went back to his room and found his phone so he could look up the number to the local taxi company before saving the number and making his way out of his bedroom yet again and heading for the guest room.  
  
Matt's footsteps slowed when he got close, though, when he saw that the door to the guest room was open.   
  
"Josh?" he asked quietly, not wanting to startle the blond if he was awake in the room and hadn't meant to leave the door open.  
  
No answer came back to him.   
  
"Josh?" Matt asked again as he took a step closer and peeked into the opening of the door. But then the younger man's heart plummeted into his stomach.   
  
The room was empty.   
  
The bed was still a mess, but none of Josh's belongings, or the bags they had been carried in with were anywhere in sight. Matt pushed the door fully open, hoping beyond hope that Josh was simply hiding in a corner. It would tear another part of him away seeing it, but at the very least it would mean Josh was still present and safe. But even as he entered the room, Matt could find no remaining trace of the older man.  
  
"Jesus fuck..." he murmured, pulling out his phone. "Where could he even... I don't even know where he lives!"   
  
Matt cursed softly as he dialed Ian's phone and paced around the guest room while the dial tone took and began ringing.   
  
"Hell-" Ian started.  
  
But Matt cut him off immediately. "He's gone."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Josh is gone, he was here, but now he's gone."  
  
"Dude, seriously what is going on?" Ian asked.   
  
Matt felt as though he were about to explode at his friend, but then he heard the lighter tone of Mike's voice in the background and Matt took a moment to take a deep breath.  
  
"You what?!" Ian snapped. "Dude, I thought you guys had given up looking for him? and now you're- fuck- seriously, Matt, you've been out there looking for this guy every night?" Ian's voice suddenly came back in full force.  
  
Matt frowned. "Hell yes I have. And we found him last night, hurt, and took him to the hospital before bringing him back to my place and now he's gone."  
  
There was a long silence on the other end of the phone.  
  
"Hey, what's going on?" Mike asked this time.  
  
"Josh isn't in the guest bedroom. His stuff isn't either.  
  
"How long has he been gone?"  
  
"I don't know, man, I've been awake for a little while and didn't hear anything, but it's been hours and he could have left any time."  
  
"Did you check the rest of the house?" Mike asked.  
  
"Well..."   
  
Mike huffed. "Check the rest of the house and give us a call back if he's really gone. I'll explain things to Ian while we wait. Just calm down, dude. It'll be alright."  
  
"You think I spooked him?" Matt asked as he left the bedroom.  
  
"Yes." Mike answered simply.  
  
Matt opened his mouth to respond when the line went dead. "Ass," he mumbled.   
  
"Josh?"  
  
When he got no response, the younger man did a quick walk through of the house and found nothing until he went to take a look outside and found the front door unlocked. His heart sank even further than it already had as he imagined Josh trying to find his way home in his condition. Matt took another quick moment to prepare himself before he opened the door, but when he did that breath rushed out of him like a canon blast.  
  
The blond sitting on the front steps jerked around, fear evident on his face for a split second before it was replaced by pain.  
  
"Oh my god," the blond groaned.  
  
Matt rushed to the older man's side. "Are you okay? I didn't mean to scare you."  
  
"Yeah well, you did a good job of it, fucking hell. Who even opens a door like that?" Josh hung his head in his hands and Matt watched as the blond rubbed his fingertips into his scalp as if massaging away the ache.   
  
"I thought you were gone," Matt explained.  
  
"So, what? you were going to chase me down and drag me back here if I was? You made me drop my damn cigarette," Josh huffed. "I thought you said I could leave anyways."  
  
"You can, of course you can!" Matt told him. "I just, I don't even know where you live or how far away your place is, and I got worried that you would have gotten hurt on your way and I just... I'm sorry, Josh. I was just surprised to see you sitting out here... Have you been out here for a while?"  
  
Matt tried not to point out the multiple cigarette butts near the freshly dropped cigarette which looked like it had just been lit, and looked at the blond for an answer.  
  
Josh rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, and shook his head before lifting it up to look at the younger man. "Yeah. A while."  
  
"Do you- um, do you want to go home?"  
  
Josh sighed heavily, the sound so defeated that Matt ached when he heard it, and reached down beside him to rummage through his bags which Matt noticed for the first time. The blond pulled out another cigarette and lit up in the blink of an eye. Matt watched as the blond's cheeks sank in and his chest rose up.  
  
Josh pulled the cigarette away from his lips and let out a huge plume of smoke. "I don't know what I want anymore."  
  
"Oh... uh," Matt ran a hand through his hair and tried to figure out what to say next.   
  
Josh's shoulders were hunched down, one arm wrapped around his waist protectively while the other stayed propped up on his knee to feed the smoke into his lungs over and over. Matt hated how vulnerable the blond looked, hated being reminded of the doctor's words when they spoke with him. Hated that Josh was fighting so hard to keep it all in and to himself.  
  
But then again, this was only their second meeting, and Matt knew he wasn[t really one for sharing with strangers when everything happened with his parents and Kevvy.   
"Josh-"  
  
"Look," the blond interrupted. "I'm really tired, Matt. I have been for a long time, and clearly when I make my own decisions I get into a lot of... trouble."  
  
"You weren't doing what you really wanted though, when you were making those decisions," Matt responded softly. "You were... doing what you had to do. Right?"  
  
Josh sighed once again, closed his eyes and tilted his head back to catch a snowflake on his cheek when the soft white crystals started falling from the sky. "You kept asking me what I wanted, when we first met. You wouldn't stop, and eventually you asked to take care of me. No one's ever asked to take care of me like you did. But, Matt, I'm tired. What i want doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does. So please, just... please don't ask me what I want to do again. Not right now. If you want me to stay, I'll stay. But you know what I'm going to offer in return. I have nothing else and I won't accept a room for free here."  
  
Matt was silent for a long time, watching as the blond opened his eyes to watch the flurries fall down around him. His eyes were bright, but only due to the morning light. Beneath that there was acceptance, and Matt worried about what the blond had truly accepted if he was offering to stay simply because Matt wanted him to. But Mike's words rang through Matt's mind loud and clear.  
  
_"Give him what he needs.”_  
  
And Matt's mind was made up.  
  
"I'll take you home, Josh," he murmured.  
  
The blond's eyes snapped down to look at Matt, Josh's face full of doubt before he shrugged and turned away from him.   
  
"You will, huh?"  
  
"Yeah, I will. Me. Not a cab driver or someone else. I will take you home. I will, and I will take care of you there. I won't stand for you using your body to pay me for a room here. So I will come to you, and hell, by your logic, I'll pay you for letting me do so."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"I don't want you here, Josh, not if it means me taking more from you when all I want to do is give. So I will give you what you really need, care and a reason to let me do so. That's what I want."  
  
"You're fucking insane," Josh murmured.  
  
"I might be," Matt admitted. "But I won't ever hurt you, not like those other men or whoever did this to you. All I want is to show you that there are people that care about you, and I am first in line right now. So let me do so."  
  
Josh closed his eyes tight, the cigarette between his fingers smoking idly as Matt waited for a response, and the blond's shoulders eventually unfurled the slightest bit. Tension bled out of him and Josh shook his head before taking another drag.  
  
"Fine," he breathed.  
  
And Matt couldn't have been more shocked that that had worked.   
  
"O-okay. Okay then! I'll go get some of my stuff ready and you wait right here, okay? I'll be right out and we can get going."  
  
Josh rolled his eyes and plastered a smile on his face. "I'm not going anywhere."  
  
Matt just laughed and ran back into the house to start packing a small bag.  
* * *  
Josh watched the younger man bolt into the house, disbelief still raging through him that Matt turned his words into something like that. He had never planned on letting Matt into his apartment, but if that was what the younger man wanted, Josh didn't care enough anymore to stop him. Josh honestly didn't care at all in that moment.   
  
He had woken up with dried vomit on his lips and his cheek glued to the toilet seat in that small bathroom. He had woken up and found that that was the last thing he had wanted to do. For weeks he had let men abuse him harsher than he ever had before and he still only had enough money to catch up on rent for Brett and nothing else. He had no money for food or other bills, and all Josh wanted to really do was crawl into bed and never crawl out again except maybe for pouring boiling water over his entire body to get the feel of all those hands off of him.   
  
_"-thought you said you could take a beating, you worthless piece of shit..."_  
  
Josh held himself a little tighter to prevent himself from shaking, and crushed the butt of his cigarette into the snow.   
  
He wanted nothing else but to become nothing, but Matt wouldn't even let him do that.   
  
So Josh got to his feet slowly, collected his things from the steps below, and waited for Matt to return.   
  
Josh felt sick to his stomach, but ignored the feeling entirely. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn't much but it is what I could do with the circumstances. Thank you anyone who has stuck with me throughout the long wait to have this story continue. I hope I can get another chapter out soon. I feel that the story will come to an end soon, but this is definitely not the final chapter. Thank you again.


End file.
